Tales From The Crypt “Top Billing”

Jon Lovitz here is playing a struggling actor.  Can I pretend this is a variation of his “Master Thespian” character from his SNL days?

Lovitz plays Barry, a struggling actor who has trouble landing roles because he doesn’t have the right look.  Meanwhile, former friend Winton (Bruce Boxlighter) has no trouble finding jobs.  Barry now hates the condescending Winton.  But, in short order, Barry’s agent seems to be down on him, his girlfriend left him for another man, and his only hope is a production of Hamlet.

That’s really rough about the girlfriend.  Especially since that actress once played a character in love with Milhouse VanHouten.

Anyway, Barry goes down to a really shady part of town to audition for the role of Hamlet, and Winton follows him there to prove a point or something.  The demanding, eccentric director Nelson Haliwell then decides to cast on the spot.  He chooses Winton.  No auditions or anything.  Winton just has the look Haliwell wants. Barry knows the play forwards and backwards.  Has Winton ever read it?  Hard to say.

Now, did Winton deserve to die so Barry could get the part?  Probably not.  Did it happen anyway?  You betchya it did.  Granted, Winton saw something disturbing on a slip of paper before Barry murdered him.  What could it have been?

Oh, right.  Barry finds out the hard way.  He’s not playing Hamlet.  That part has been cast.  Barry took over for Winton to play…Yorick.  The skull.  The dead man.  Guy with no lines.  This isn’t a theater!  This is an insane asylum, and the inmates got loose, killed the staff, and decided to put on a play with a real skull.  The plastic one just wasn’t cutting it.  And yeah, the cops show up, but Barry is already dead by then, with a dog swiping his discarded face from the garbage outside.

I guess he finally had the right look.

What about the Cryptkeeper?  Looks like he’s the host of his own version of Masterpiece Theater.  But not Monsterpiece Theater.  That’s Cookie Monster.

Notable Names:  Besides Lovitz and Boxlighter, there’s John Astin as Haliwell, Sandra Bernhard as a casting director, Louise Fletcher as Barry’s agent, Kimmy Robertson as the girlfriend, and director Todd Holland directed a whole lot of sitcoms, most notably many episodes each of The Larry Sanders Show and Malcolm in the Middle.