Going Through Gravity Falls Part 11

It’s season two.  Well, it’s where we are in the chat.  This showed ended years ago.

“Scary-Oke”

Dipper’s efforts to impress cause problems.

jimmy:  I don’t know what’s scarier, zombies or karaoke?

tomk:  Nick Offerman as a government agent?

jimmy:  I said scary, not awesome.

tomk:  What about Mabel, Candy, and Grenda at any party?

jimmy:  Scary.

tomk:  But you learned something.

jimmy:  I did?

tomk:  Yes.  You learned Stan knew all along.

jimmy:  Like Agatha?

tomk:  Yeah, he knew it was Agatha all along.

jimmy:  He was just trying to keep the kids safe.

tomk:  Hell of a job he did there, too.

jimmy:  He didn’t summon the dead.

tomk:  Did he wreck the car?

jimmy:  No.

tomk:  And he didn’t raise the dead?

jimmy:  No.

tomk:  And the car’s OK?

jimmy:  Yes.

tomk:  Alright then.

jimmy:  Who was the non Nick Offerman agent?  Anyone we know?

tomk:  Um, was it you?

jimmy:  It was not.

tomk:  Then I don’t know.

jimmy:  He was useless anyway.

tomk:  Must have been a Watson.

jimmy:  The math maths.

tomk:  More recognizable voices in season two, though.

jimmy:  More recognizable than Nick Offerman??

tomk:  You’ll see…or hear.

jimmy:  All of the zombies might have been voiced by movie stars.

tomk:  They were all voiced by Ryan.

jimmy:  Gosling?

tomk:  Garcia.  They just recorded him complaining about Lost and altered it in post.

jimmy:  So not Ryan Reynolds?

tomk:  No.  Some of them are also Watson and Jenny.

jimmy:  It’s a Gabbing Greek reunion!

tomk:  Or they swiped podcast episodes without permission.

jimmy:  Not smart with all the lawyers we got kicking around.

tomk:  Stan runs their legal department.

jimmy:  Is that good or bad?

tomk:  What do you think?

jimmy:  Bad.

tomk:  That’s right. So, why did the Moose hire Stan to be your lawyer?

jimmy:  Why do I need a lawyer?

tomk:  Gideon is suing you for defamation.

jimmy:  That son of a bitch. I told you about him didn’t I!?!

tomk:  I have seen the show, Jimmy.

jimmy:  Then you know Stan is selling that Gideon merch cheap.

tomk:  He’ll charge what he can get for it.

jimmy:  Which probably isn’t much.

tomk:  Profit is profit.

jimmy:  And profit is good.

tomk:  Exactly.  Here’s the profit you earned from the bake sale the Moose held in your garage.

jimmy:  You, ah, didn’t eat anything from that bake sale did you?

tomk:  No, Jimmy. Those were for the bake sale.

jimmy:  Ok good.

tomk:  A bunch of nuns bought most of the food and took it to an old folks home.

jimmy:  …

It’s fine.

tomk:  You aren’t saying that while having a cup of coffee in the middle of a house fire like a dog in a hat when you say that, are you?

jimmy:  Uh…no.

tomk:  Good.

jimmy:  At least there’s no zombies.

tomk:  No, but you might find some in the break room.

jimmy:  I hope Jenny set up the karaoke machine in there.

tomk:  Ryan sold that to buy a milkshake machine.

jimmy:  Delicious. We can drink those while the zombies eat us.

tomk:  But if a zombie bites you, you won’t want any more milkshakes.

jimmy:  Maybe we can placate them with milkshakes?

tomk:  They want brains. Or maybe something on television.

jimmy:  Carpool Karaoke might distract them.

tomk:  It keeps the guys who run Gabbing Geek’s turbines distracted.

jimmy:  Why do we have turbines?

tomk:  To keep the lights on.

jimmy:  As long as we’re not using windmills.

tomk:  We do. It’s wind turbines powered by Watson’s hot air.

jimmy:  That should be enough to power three city blocks.

tomk:  It does as long as no one brings the men working the turbines a distraction like Carpool Karaoke or a zombie outbreak.

jimmy:  Let’s not do either of those things.

tomk:  That’s a good idea.  Have some pizza.

jimmy:  It’s not a zombie pizza is it?

tomk:  No.

jimmy:  I’m not going to turn into a zombie if I eat it?

tomk:  No.

jimmy:  Alrighty then!

tomk:  It’s Hawaiian.

jimmy:  AAAYHHHHH!!!

tomk:  You may need to ask better questions sometimes.

jimmy:  Apparently.

tomk:  Here, no pineapple toppings on this one.

jimmy:  What toppings are on it?

tomk:  Meat lovers. Not zombie meat.

jimmy:  Excellent.

tomk:  The pineapple is in the stuffed crust.

jimmy:  Gideon got me again!

tomk:  That one came from Agent Offerman to make sure you had acceptable taste in pizza.

jimmy:  So, if I throw it in the garbage, that’s considered acceptable?  I guess I could just not eat the crust.

tomk:  Either works. Now you need proof of a journal. And your sister asks you don’t do one thing: raise the dead.

jimmy:  You know if she asks he’s gonna do the opposite.

tomk:  He is?

Or you will?

jimmy:  I wouldn’t raise the dead, Tom.

tomk:  And the zombies in the breakroom?

jimmy:  Wasn’t me.

tomk:  Where’s the Moose?  Moose sounds like Soos.

jimmy:  It does. Interesting.

tomk:  Does his Grandma Moose also vacuum everything?

jimmy:  I don’t know. Maybe.

tomk:  Moose uses vacuums?

jimmy:  Can you say for certain they don’t?

tomk:  I know nature abhors a vacuum.

jimmy:  Well done.

tomk:  Try that answer the next time the Ms. asks you to vacuum your mancave.

jimmy:  If I disappear forever suddenly, that’s why.

tomk:  Not because she found out Rachel McAdams was sending you fan mail?

jimmy:  She was sending me fan mail?

tomk:  Yup.

jimmy:  For what?

tomk:  Your deep appreciation and hard work on the Spider-Man Chronology.

jimmy:  She is a big Spidey fan.

tomk:  And she probably wants to support a fellow Canadian.

jimmy:  We are pretty great.

tomk:  Exactly.  Have a piece of chocolate cake.

jimmy:  It’s not zombie chocolate is it?

tomk:  There’s no such thing, Jimmy.

jimmy:  That’s good.

tomk:  The Ms. made it after she found all that McAdams fan mail.

jimmy:  Hmm.  I might end up a zombie.

tomk:  Or just plain dead.

jimmy:  Or that.

tomk:  Let someone else try it first and see what happens.

jimmy:  Good idea.  Cake?

tomk:  I already had the special cake the Ms. made for me under the directions that I not have any of your special cake.

jimmy:  Maybe I’ll skip the cake. I am getting a little pudgy.

tomk:  In that case, how about this steak dinner?

jimmy:  Is it a zombie steak?

tomk:  No, Jimmy.  This one came from the new restaurant “Not Zombies!”

jimmy:  It must be ok then!

tomk:  That’s right.  This restaurant is clearly run by gnomes.

jimmy:  I’m sure that’s fine.

tomk:  Unless they are zombie gnomes.

jimmy:  That’s probably not fine.

tomk:  That would be silly.

jimmy:  And we wouldn’t do that.

tomk:  Of course not.

So, wanna join an anti-zombie karaoke band?

jimmy:  I’d prefer no zombies or karaoke, but sure.

tomk:  OK, take this coupon to the Mystery Shack, say hi to Mabel, and bring plenty of cinnamon.

jimmy:  Done, done and done.

tomk:  And watch out for Dipper. Good kid, but he’s eager to please and that leads to big mistakes.

jimmy:  Like raising the dead and…

tomk:  Falling in with the Manitaurs or taking romantic advice from Stan or disrespecting Summerween.

jimmy:  Oh Dipper.

tomk:  He’ll be your best friend if you ask him.

jimmy:  Isn’t he like 12?

tomk:  Almost 13.

jimmy:  Probably not good for a 50+ man to have a 12 year old best friend.

tomk:  Then don’t ask him.

jimmy:  I won’t.

tomk:  And be careful if he tries to impress you.

jimmy:  It don’t take much.

tomk:  To impress you?

jimmy:  Exactly.

tomk:  Like that blue car over there?

jimmy:  That’s a nice car.

tomk:  It’s yours if you can guess the retail price to the nearest dollar without going over.

jimmy:  Uh…$29,995.

tomk:  I’m sorry.  You went over.

jimmy has sad Price is Right music play

tomk:  The actual retail price was $29, 994.

jimmy:  I forgot the $1 Jimmy Tax.

tomk:  No, they took off one dollar for the scratch in the door.

jimmy:  Stan probably hit it with a thrown Gideon doll.

tomk:  Or a zombie did it.

jimmy:  Also likely.

tomk:  But at least Stan and Dipper aren’t lying to each other now.

jimmy:  Friends don’t lie.

tomk:  They’re family.  That’s different.

jimmy:  Family do lie?

tomk:  Does Stan strike you as the pinnacle of honesty?

jimmy:  He does not.

tomk:  So, you don’t want this pizza he sent over?

jimmy:  Did he lie about the toppings?

tomk:  Nope.

jimmy:  Hand it over then.

tomk:  Here ya go.

jimmy:  Thanks!  What now?

tomk:  The toppings are fine.  The stuffed crust is another story.

jimmy:  When will I learn?

tomk:  Check for hidden messages in invisible ink next time.

jimmy:  I always forget to do that.

tomk:  Did you forget to check for clues?

jimmy:  Probably.

tomk:  Would you like some more clues?

jimmy:  I’ll take as many as I can get.

tomk:  What if the mystery author of the journal had a bunker?

jimmy:  A mystery bunker?

tomk:  Do you know where it is?

jimmy:  If I did it wouldn’t be much of a mystery.

tomk:  Would you like to find out?

jimmy:  I do love a good mystery.

tomk:  Maybe you’ll hear another voice you know.

jimmy:  A mystery voice.

tomk:  Would you like to know more?

jimmy:  I would.

tomk:  Then strap yourself in, Jimmy.

“Into the Bunker”

Dipper finally confesses a secret.

jimmy:  Dipper eh?  Wendy eh?  Luke Skywalker eh?

tomk:  Jimmy?  Eh?

jimmy:  Or am I a shapeshifter that’s taken his place?

tomk: No, you’re Jimmy.

jimmy:  Phew!

tomk:  You didn’t know?

jimmy:  You can never be sure. That shapeshifter could be anyone!

tomk:  It’s Steve from accounting.

jimmy:  I knew it!

tomk:  You said it could be anyone.  I just noticed the accountant forgot how to use a calculator.

jimmy:  And trying to eat the rest of the accounting staff.

tomk:  No, that was someone else.

jimmy:  See. This is why I stay off the 5th floor.

tomk:  Watson just moved your office there. The Moose recommended it. But maybe some girl you have a crush on will be in the next cubicle, and you can go on adventures.

jimmy:  Adventures can be dangerous.

tomk:  Then don’t. You can satisfy yourself other ways beyond figuring out who wrote this mysterious diary.

jimmy:  Which we still don’t know.

tomk:  We know who it’s not: the guy on the can.

jimmy:  Or do we?

tomk:  Yeah.  Unless the mystery author stocked up on his own brands of canned food.

jimmy:  Improbable, but not impossible.

tomk:  No, you’re Impossible.

jimmy:  That’s true.

tomk:  I would be suspicious of a Jimmy Improbable.

jimmy:  Could be a shape shifter.

tomk:  That sounds pretty probable actually.

jimmy:  You can’t trust those guys.

tomk:  Who can you trust?

Can you trust Mabel to keep a secret?

jimmy:  Only if you want her to trick you into playing 7 Minutes In Heaven with your crush.

tomk:  Well, Mabel never told Wendy.

She just put Wendy and Dipper into dangerous situations.

jimmy:  She didn’t know that at the time.

tomk:  Right.  So you would let your sister be locked in a mystery closet with her crush in a mystery bunker full of boobie traps?

jimmy:  My sister is a 65 year old widow. She probably doesn’t have a crush or frequent mystery bunkers.

tomk:  But not in the past either. When you were kids.

jimmy:  How old is Mabel?

tomk:  Same age as Dipper.

jimmy:  Well, when my sister was Mabel’s age, I was -2.

tomk:  What about when you were Mabel’s age?

jimmy:  She was married.

tomk:  What about your shifty cousin Quentin Impossible?

jimmy:  He might be a shapeshifter.

tomk:  He is shifty.

jimmy:  It was right there in plain sight all along.

tomk:  Your family has problems.

jimmy:  We’re Impossible.

tomk:  Obviously.

jimmy:  And Dipper’s too young.

tomk:  And too old to begin Jedi training.

jimmy:  Don’t tell Luke.

tomk:  I didn’t.  You did.

jimmy:  I did?  My memory ain’t what it used to be.

tomk:  That’s because Stan waved a hand in your face and said “You will forget you said that and give me twenty dollars.”

jimmy:  I wondered where that went.

tomk:  He’s been using that one on you for a while now.

jimmy:  No wonder I got two dogs and no money.

Instead of no dogs and two money.

tomk:  The dogs earn their own money.

jimmy:  I wish!  Lazy freeloaders.

tomk:  But Jimmy, they work for Ryan.

jimmy:  I’m learning a lot today.

tomk:  They use the money to order fancy dog treats.

jimmy:  I was wondering why that Dog Dash guy kept showing up.

tomk:  Good news: he’s not having an affair with the Ms.

jimmy:  That is good news.

tomk:  She only has eyes for you.

jimmy:  I hope so.

tomk:  You better not.

jimmy:  I’m certainly not going anywhere.

tomk:  So, I should tell Malin Ackerman you won’t be meeting her for lunch?

jimmy:  I’m sure lunch is ok. I gotta eat right?

tomk:  It might run late.

jimmy:  The waiter might be a shapeshifter.

tomk:  It might be the Ms. in a Malin mask, testing you.

jimmy:  That seems more likely.

tomk:  Well, you can only find out one way. Go down to the secret shelter and make sure the shapeshifter is still in the deep freeze there.

jimmy:  Ok, I’m back. He’s still there but I noticed another empty canister.

tomk:  What was that one labeled?

jimmy:  “Definitely NOT a shapeshifter”

tomk:  That’s reassuring.

jimmy:  A label would never lie to us.

tomk:  Yes, but the person writing it could.

jimmy:  So what you’re saying is, anyone could be a shapeshifter?

tomk:  Um, no.  Just shapeshifters are shapeshifters.

jimmy:  But a shapeshifter could be anybody.

tomk:  So, they wouldn’t be someone they wouldn’t want to be.  Hey, did I just see two Watsons walk down the hall?

jimmy:  One is bad enough.

tomk:  But they were two Emma Watsons.

jimmy:  Sounds like a dream I had.

tomk:  Was it about going to class for a big exam when you haven’t studied?

jimmy:  Uh, yeah, that was it.

tomk:  Emma Watson probably was laughing at you in that one.

jimmy:  Yes. Both of them.

tomk:  That’s mean…unless you’re into that sort of thing.

jimmy:  No.

tomk:  Good. Have a Tootsie Pop.

jimmy:  Been a long time since I’ve had one of those.

tomk:  Let me know how many licks it takes to get to the center.

jimmy:  One…two…three.  It’s three.

tomk:  That was fast.  Have another, see if it holds up.

jimmy:  Same result.

tomk:  In that case, how about a round of mini-golf?

jimmy:  I like mini golf.

tomk:  So do some kids we know.

jimmy:  Are they twins?

tomk:  They’re not not twins.

jimmy:  The old double negative eh?

tomk:  It beats the triple positive.

jimmy:  Three rights make a right.

tomk:  Maybe with guest stars.

jimmy:  hat seems to be the theme of season two.

tomk:  Well, for now.

jimmy:  Should we see who it is?

tomk:  Maybe more than one this time.  And yes.

jimmy:  Let’s do it!

NEXT TIME:  Mini-golf and sock puppets!