June 19, 2024

Gabbing Geek

Your online community for all things geeky.

Going Through X-Men: The Animated Series Part 5

Jimmy and Tom deal with Apocalypse.

Previously on X-Chat

jimmy:  I might know something about that.

tomk:  Your cousin Quentin Impossible?

jimmy:  Sure.

tomk:  That guy sucks.

jimmy:  Yes. Every family’s got a Quentin.

“The Cure”

Rogue’s hurt feelings are ignored by the others.

jimmy:  I guess Colossus got deported before he could finish the mansion.

tomk:  He’s probably only good for demolition.

jimmy:  He’s no Foreman Wolverine.

tomk:  Eh, I saw him drinking on the job.

jimmy:  He knows how to foreman.

tomk:  Does it come from his forearms?

jimmy:  It does. And then he uses them to cut sheets of plywood.

tomk:  As long as he doesn’t cut his co-workers.

jimmy:  He probably won’t. Probably.

tomk:  Depends on how many extra bricks they have.

jimmy:  It’s a good thing all the mutants are skilled carpenters.

tomk:  Except for Jean. She’s not really good at anything.

jimmy:  She can nail pretty quick.

tomk:  Not really. She just wants you to think she is.

jimmy:  Oh those wacky telepaths!

tomk:  She also wants you to think she’s a natural redhead.

jimmy:  She’s not?

tomk:  You’ll never know.

jimmy:  That’s true.

tomk:  You have enough problems without worrying about that though.

jimmy:  I do.  99 of them

tomk:  Were you the one who stationed Rogue at the kissing booth for the county fair?

jimmy:  How was I supposed to know?!

tomk:  She keeps recounting her origin story.

jimmy:  Maybe I should pay attention when people are talking to me.

tomk:  Like when Ryan tells you to stop heating fish in the break room’s microwave?

jimmy:  He did?  That explains a lot.

tomk:  Or how Jenny thanks you for the donuts every time she hits your stash.

jimmy:  She does what?!?

tomk:  You really need to pay attention.

jimmy:  You’re right.

tomk:  Because someone told Jenny could just take your donuts whenever she wanted.  Someone like…Mystique!

jimmy:  It’s just like I’ve always said, you can’t trust a shapeshifter.

tomk:  Like Morph?  Didn’t he push you out of the way of a Sentinel blast, or am I getting you mixed up with Wolverine again?

jimmy:  It’s just like I’ve always said, you can’t trust a shapeshifter. Except Morph.

tomk:  Didn’t Odo prove you innocent on those murder charges?

jimmy:  It’s just like I’ve always said, you can’t trust a shapeshifter.  Except Morph. And Odo.

tomk:  I thought J’onn J’onzz helped you prank Watson with Ms. Martian and Plastic Man.

jimmy:  

It’s just like I’ve always said, you can’t trust Mystique.

tomk:  Good man. Have a cookie.

jimmy:  I need it after that

tomk:  I hope you like oatmeal raisin.

jimmy:  Ugh.

tomk:  Mystique made them.

jimmy:  I’m not surprised.

tomk:  It’s Apocalpse’s personal recipe. He came up with it before the invention of chocolate chips and called them “punishment bars.”

jimmy:  lol. I believe it!

tomk:  Watson hands them out to schoolchildren.

jimmy:  I believe that as well!

tomk:  What else do you believe?

jimmy:  Apocalypse is a bad mother—-

tomk:  Shut your mouth!

jimmy:  But I’m talking about Apocalypse.

tomk:  Then I should be able to dig it.

jimmy:  Who apparently has plans for Angel.

tomk:  Yeah, because when I lose the superstrong, indestructible flier who can drain the life out of people, I replace her with a guy with wings.

jimmy:  He is a millionaire. Maybe that helps.

tomk:  So he pays for the destruction of civilization?  That sure does sound like a billionaire.

jimmy:  That doesn’t ring true to real life at all.

tomk:  Do we know any billionaires we can check with?

jimmy:  I don’t.

tomk:  What about the Moose?

jimmy:  His net worth is only $750m.

tomk:  American or Canadian?

jimmy:  Canadian.

tomk:  Is the exchange rate on his side?

jimmy:  God no.

tomk:  He might not be as rich as Watson.

jimmy:  Who is?  Maybe Ryan.

tomk:  Maybe.

So, how about that mutant cure?

jimmy:  Definitely seems enticing to someone like Rogue.

tomk:  Why do the other X-Men always talk down “cures” in front of the woman who can’t touch people?  It’s really insensitive.

jimmy:  Sometimes it’s hard for people to see past how it affects them and/or their personal preferences.  For some it’s easy to hid their mutations (Jean, Storm, etc.) while others don’t care and embrace theirs (someone like Beast).

tomk:  True, but most mutants have powers that either don’t work right or cause other problems like Wolverine’s berserker rages, Beast’s physical appearance, or Gambit’s moral laxity.

jimmy:  Is berserker rage a mutant power?

tomk:  More of a side effect of one.

jimmy:  Happens to the best of us.

tomk:  Like when you get really mad when beaver fur clogs your pool filter?

jimmy:

tomk:  You look like you need a bigger pool.

jimmy:  Always.

tomk:  Maybe a bathing suit too.

jimmy:  Don’t harsh my mellow, Tom.

tomk:  You were making other people feel inadequate.

jimmy:  Not you though.

tomk:  No, but they complain to me.

jimmy:  Oh. Sorry about that then.

tomk:  Not as sorry as Warren is going to be when he finds out that mutant cure isn’t covered by insurance.

jimmy:  He can afford it.

tomk:  Spoken like someone who has never dealt with American the health care system.

jimmy:  True.

tomk:  And Warren hates being a mutant so much, he has his own costume at the ready.

jimmy:  He hates mutants but loves cosplay.

tomk:  And he has some of the most harmless powers…

jimmy:  Harmless, but hard to hide and blend in with society.

tomk:  He’d been managing so far. His girlfriend didn’t know.

jimmy:  Then what’s his problem?!?

tomk:  Well, she did shoot him.

jimmy:  That’s a problem.

tomk:  She apparently didn’t mean to. She might have been trying to shoot Cable.

jimmy:  A common reaction to Cable.

tomk:  He’s not as popular these days as his cousin Netflix.

jimmy:  What’s his mutant power?

tomk:  He was one of the kids from Stranger Things.

jimmy:  Probably Dustin.

tomk:  He might secretly be all of them.

jimmy:  Wacky.

tomk:  Or he’s Steve.

jimmy:  We know he’s not Josh Brolin.

tomk:  No, but you might be.

jimmy:  I’m more the berserker type.

tomk:  Right, the really scary type.

jimmy:  Scary enough to be a horseman of Apocalypse?

tomk:  You want to be one of those guys?

jimmy:  No. I better calm down.

tomk:  Unless Apocalypse wants someone who is calm, cool, and collected.

jimmy:  Does he?

tomk:  Wouldn’t you like to know…

jimmy:  I would.

tomk:  Ok. Ask him.

jimmy:  I don’t know his number.

tomk:  867-5309

jimmy:  Some girl answered.

tomk:  Mystique?

jimmy:  Possibly.

tomk:  Did you know that the actor playing Apocalypse, John Colicos, was the first actor to play a Klingon on the original Star Trek, a role he revisited on DS9?

jimmy:  I did not.

tomk:  You do now. He was also the human villain on the original Battlestar Gallactica.

jimmy:  That guy gets around.

tomk:  He was also Canadian.

jimmy:  I’m not surprised. He sounds awesome.

tomk:  He’s sadly dead.

jimmy:  Not surprising having been on The Original Series.

tomk:  Or his ghost is in your man cave.

jimmy:  I wondered who was moving my DVD’s around.

tomk:  Oh, that was the Ms.

jimmy:  Are you sure?  She usually doesn’t go down there.

tomk:  Sure. When you’re around.

jimmy:  And when I’m not?

tomk:  Then she might go down there quite a bit. Or it’s Mystique again.

jimmy:

tomk:  You don’t keep valuables down there, do you?

jimmy:  Not anymore.

tomk:  It’s a good thing I had the Moose hide your donut stash. Even he doesn’t know where they are anymore.

jimmy:  That’s just great.

tomk:  As long as he didn’t hide them in his stomach, you should be fine.

jimmy:  Good point.

tomk:  God only knows what Apocalypse would do on that much sugar.

jimmy:  God loves, sugar kills.

tomk:  What about the Sugarman?

jimmy:  He definitely kills.

tomk:  The 90s were a weird time.

jimmy:  Full of variant covers and pouches.

tomk:  Pouches are for loose change and snacks.

jimmy:  We had a lot of those in the 90’s. Who has change anymore?

tomk:  People who use a sock full of nickels as a weapon?

jimmy:  Are there many of them?

tomk:  One is too many.

jimmy:  Is Apocalypse one of them?

tomk:  He probably uses some ancient Egyptian coins.

jimmy:  That sounds about right.

tomk:  Also, he has mutant powers.

jimmy:  Possibly the first to do so.

tomk:  But Marvel says Namor is their first mutant.

jimmy:  1st published probably.

tomk:  He’s almost as big a jerk as Apocalypse too.

jimmy:  At least he’s occasionally a good guy.

tomk:  Apocalypse?

jimmy:  No, Namor.

tomk:  Oh. That makes more sense.

jimmy:  But I don’t think we see Namor in the next episode.

tomk:  But you got Avalanche and Pyro here. You never know what mutants might show up next.

jimmy:  There’s a few to choose from.

tomk:  Like Beak?  Firestar?  Mayday Parker?  Dust?  Crush-o the Magnificent?

jimmy:  Is Mayday considered a mutant?

tomk:  Was she born with powers?

jimmy:  I suppose so.

tomk:  Then yes.

jimmy:  The interwebs disagree.

tomk:  Tom Brevoort?  What does he know?

jimmy:  Probably not much, but more than us.

tomk:  I suppose.

So, to review: Apocalypse didn’t invest his money better and needed a rich guy to pay for stuff, but Cable is there for some reason.

jimmy:  Sounds about right.

tomk:  But Rogue won’t get that cure now, and that’s what’s important.

jimmy:  Who wants to be a normal human anyway?  So boring.

tomk:  People who like sex because Rogue can’t have any?

jimmy:  What if they wore one of these…

tomk:  You had that gif at the ready?

jimmy:  It was in my wallet.

tomk:  A condom gif in your wallet?  Very clever.

jimmy:  You just never know.

tomk:  Maybe the next episode will tell us.

jimmy:  Let’s find out.

tomk:  Yeah, we better. I wanna know what Cable was up to.

“Come the Apocalypse”

An old man decides he doesn’t like how times have changed in his lifetime.

jimmy:  No answers about Cable for you.

tomk:  Yeah…he just disappeared. Probably taking Pyro and Avalanche into custody.

jimmy:  Is he a cop?

tomk:  Maybe he’s fighting crime in a future time.

jimmy:  With the help of a time traveling pie?

tomk:  Or some other cartoon.

jimmy:  Cable could fit in there.

tomk:  As long as they don’t trip over him.

jimmy:

tomk:  Not happy with that?

jimmy:  It was a cromulent pun.

tomk:  You’ll probably feel better if your heroes play you a song.

jimmy:  I didn’t know they were my heroes, but that was pretty good.

tomk:  You don’t know your own heroes?

jimmy:  Apparently not.

tomk:  I mean, you love Wolverine as near as I can make out.

jimmy:  He’s high on the list.

tomk:  You probably really like that Spiderman fellow. And Bat-Man.

jimmy:  Something like that.

tomk:  But not Apocalypse.

jimmy:  I noticed in X-Men ‘97 there is a photo of the original team and it includes Angel. I never got the vibe in these episodes that they knew him, unless I missed something.

tomk:  Maybe Scott realized it was Mystique in disguise.

jimmy:  Or it comes up in a later episode.

tomk:  Like the one that will explain what Cable is even up to or where he went?

jimmy:  Probably the same episode.

tomk:  Makes sense.

jimmy:  Or maybe they will go down as…

tomk:  How mysterious.

jimmy:  And unsolved.

tomk:  Like why the X-Men tried to fix only one Horseman?

jimmy:  He was the only one that wiped his feet when he came in.

tomk:  He flew everywhere.

jimmy:  That makes it even more impressive.

tomk:  He also didn’t have his own cool flying mount.

jimmy:  Kinda unnecessary.

tomk:  It would have made more sense if they knew him from before he changed.

jimmy:  Apparently they did.

tomk:  Or they didn’t.

jimmy:  We’ll never know.

tomk:  See, if they knew Warren, they might be all like, “Hey, Warren isn’t like that!  We need to help his out!”  Instead, he’s one of four strangers.  Maybe.

jimmy:  And now he has kick ass metal wings…that don’t flap, but he can still fly…and shoot missiles from them?

tomk:  I know he can shoot off his metal wings’ feathers in the comics.

jimmy:  That makes more sense.

tomk:  It also suggests he can regrow metal feathers.

jimmy:  Hmm. Maybe we shouldn’t think too much about Archangel’s powers?

tomk:  Maybe we need to think more about other things.

jimmy:  Such as?

tomk:  Why do hot dogs come in packs of 10 but hot dog buns come in packs of eight?

jimmy:  Two extra to snack on while you’re barbecuing.

tomk:  You got an answer for everything.

jimmy:  Barbecuing is hungry work.

tomk:  You are an expert on such matters.

jimmy:  A thermometer helps.

tomk:  What about barbecue sauce?

jimmy:  That helps too.

tomk:  The whole gang is coming to your place for dinner now.

jimmy:  Even Apocalypse?

tomk:  Not him.

Just me, the Moose, the Beaver, Cousin Minka, Watson, Ryan, Jenny (who is bringing donuts for some reason), Captain Jake, Greg, a couple Smurfs, Dev Patel, the Ms’s family, Mr. T, Kermit the Frog, Batman, and all the Spice Girls that aren’t married to pro soccer players.  And, if he’s free, Michael Jordan.

jimmy:  I’m gonna need more hot dogs.

tomk:  Maybe try some hamburgers to go with them.

jimmy:  That’s why you’re the idea man!

tomk:  And you carry out the ideas.

jimmy:  Exactly!

tomk:  That means it’s time for you to get some chips.

With or without fish.

jimmy:  I’ll ask Cable to pick them up on his way over.

tomk:  Or you can ask that guy for some.

jimmy:  I smell crossover!

tomk:  Really?  I smell smoke. Were you paying attention to the grill?

jimmy:  …uh, be right back!

tomk:  Well, Apocalypse got away. Archangel is not a bad guy anymore. And Jimmy’s grill almost set the lawn on fire. What could possibly come next?

jimmy:  A Cable explanation?

tomk:  Maybe that’s in the next episode.

jimmy:  Shall we find out?

tomk:  You got it!

NEXT TIME:  “Days of Future Past” both parts, and “The Final Decision”