Maybe it’s time for the guys to see a less benevolent replacement as they look at the episode “Nightmare in Red” and then check in on the real Captain America in “Prisoner of War”.
“Nightmare in Red”
How can the Hulk attack SHIELD if Bruce Banner is on a relaxing fishing trip?
jimmy: I haven’t read much Red Hulk. Can the comic version do the Human Torch impression?
tomk: Oh yeah. He doesn’t get stronger as he gets angrier. He gets hotter.
jimmy: Really? That’s a little strange.
tomk: Most early Red Hulk stories show he wins by knowing how to fight. But he can also give himself heat stroke.
jimmy: And I assume they are going for some mystery here, but it’s totally Thunderbolt Ross isn’t it?
tomk: It was a mystery in the original story too.
jimmy: Sure. But I assume not by the time this version came into existence.
tomk: I am pretty sure you’re right. And by then Red Hulk had fought everybody.
jimmy: Ross Hulk is a jerk.
tomk: And I mean everybody.
jimmy: You weren’t kidding.
tomk: Red Hulk creator Jeph Loeb basically said he could absorb various radiations and energies, then had him smack around everyone he came across including She-Hulk, Spider-Man, Iron Man, the Silver Surfer, the original Hulk, and even swiped Mjolnir from Thor by battling him in zero gravity
Subsequent writers then had every one of the characters Red Hulk embarrassed come back and knock the crap out of Ross…including the Watcher.
jimmy: I’m guessing he was no longer a Hulk by that point?
tomk: Oh I think he was. I don’t think anyone liked the overpowered guy he originally was who made everyone look like chumps.
jimmy: And I bet he didn’t team up with Falcon and Winter Soldier.
But their boss might be a problem.
Besides, Falcon had a somewhat famous actor voice him.
jimmy: He did sound familiar…
tomk: And then there’s Captain Skrullmerica causing more trouble.
jimmy: Would we expect anything less?
tomk: That the Avengers should maybe call themselves the Terrific Three now?
jimmy: Well, they’re certainly not calling Tony.
tomk: Or Carol.
jimmy: Or Stingray.
tomk: He’s for bigger emergencies when you need a guy whose helmet has an arrow pointing to his genitalia.
jimmy: That probably doesn’t happen a lot.
tomk: It’s like when you call Watson for help.
jimmy: I never do.
He’s probably Red Hulk’s boss.
tomk: Or he designed Stingray’s helmet.
jimmy: Oh, he definitely had a hand in that.
tomk: Besides, when I tell you who Red Hulk’s boss is, you’ll know Watson had nothing to do with it.
jimmy: But that’s for another day.
tomk: Yes. How about that Red Hulk here?
jimmy: I thought it was funny that they even had Winter Soldier ask the shadowy figure “are you sure you want to do this?” And all he could do was grunt as his voice would have given away who he was. Almost like it was written for a comic and after they realized, “wait a minute…”.
tomk: Yeah. The real surprise should have been that was the Winter Soldier.
jimmy: That was a surprise. I was wondering how Skrull Rogers would react.
tomk: Well, he didn’t.
jimmy: That’s so Skrull Rogers.
tomk: You didn’t either until the end of the episode.
jimmy: Were you watching me watch it?
tomk: The Beaver told me.
Then he told Jenny you replenished the donut stash.
jimmy: You can’t trust him. He works with the Red Hulk. And, he what?!?
tomk: The Moose looked hungry too.
jimmy: I’ll be right back!
tomk: Oh hey, the donut man is here. Where’s Jimmy?
jimmy: puff puff
Ok, I’m back! Phew! I changed the locks on my office door. Did I miss anything?
tomk: Captain America just borrowed your rocket pack without asking.
jimmy: I knew I shouldn’t have hung that on the coatrack in the lobby.
tomk: I tried to explain he couldn’t have it since you’re Canadian and he isn’t Captain North America.
jimmy: I guess he didn’t care for your reasoning.
tomk: Eh, I think he was a Skrull who didn’t recognize that rocket pack was just for decoration.
jimmy: Or didn’t care.
tomk: Well, he did fall 50 stories when he put it on and jumped out your office window while claiming he was hunting a Red Hulk.
jimmy: It was just a flesh wound.
tomk: They were scraping him off the pavement.
jimmy: He’s a Skrull. That was just for show.
tomk: I don’t think Skrulls are that durable.
jimmy: Have you ever dropped one off a building?
tomk: I’ve seen Skrull girlfriends cry after seeing one go splat.
jimmy: You really have seen it all.
tomk: Not true. I haven’t by choice seen many Adam Sandler movies.
jimmy: You’re missing out…on some…not others…
tomk: That’s why I have seen…some…not others…
jimmy: Good call.
Maybe in the good ones he’s not a Skrull. Or vice versa.
tomk: Maybe they’re trying to study our collective sense of humor.
jimmy: Maybe that explains the Back To The Future trivia game that took down the Gabbing Geek podcast.
tomk: Isn’t that the podcast you often forget existed?
jimmy: Yes. Damn Skrulls!
tomk: Did they erase your memories of podcasts again?
jimmy: Can they do that?
tomk: Would you remember if they did?
jimmy: Remember what?
tomk: That the Beaver already cracked the new lock on your office door to allow Jenny to get at your donut stash.
jimmy: That sumbitch!
tomk: He may also have taken your heat resistant ear pods.
tomk: Have a Coke and a Snickers.
tomk: You’re not yourself when you’re hungry.
jimmy: Maybe that’s how Skrulls work.
tomk: They change when they’re hungry?
jimmy: Well, have to be hungry to change. Have you ever seen a Skrull eat?
tomk: You said I have seen it all. What do you think?
jimmy: I thought you were going to bring up Captain Ameriskrull eating pizza last episode.
tomk: That would mean you saw a Skrull eat and still asked about it.
jimmy: I was hoping you had forgotten.
Judges, can you believe that?
jimmy: Uh, well, hey! Look over there! A blue car!
tomk: It was smashed by a Red Hulk.
jimmy: He’s a jerk like that.
tomk: Especially since it was your car.
jimmy: Oh no! And I had all those Fabrice eggs you wanted in there too!
tomk: That was Greg.
jimmy: Oh right. What did you want?
tomk: I’m good.
jimmy: You don’t want Red Hulk to heat up this burrito?
tomk: With gamma-irradiated fire? Pass. Plus, he’s a jerk. He won’t do something nice for anyone.
jimmy: That’s true. It’s odd that Ross, who hates the Hulk so much, turning himself into one. It’s like J Jonah Jameson letting himself get bitten by a radioactive spider.
tomk: Ross wants the Hulk’s power.
jimmy: And the ability to reheat leftovers.
tomk: And to lose the ‘stach.
jimmy: Doesn’t he have a mustache in the comics? Or is that the new Red Hulk?
tomk: That’s the newer one.
jimmy: It’s hard to keep up.
tomk: You need a copy of my new book: Know Your Hulks.
jimmy: There’s enough of them to fill a book.
tomk: Um, that’s why I wrote one.
jimmy: Good. Then I’ll just have to read it.
tomk: Is it on a List?
jimmy: Sure. Why not?
tomk: Because then you may never get to it?
jimmy: Hey, I’ll get to it…someday.
tomk: Sure you will. Here’s that Hulk-heated burrito you asked for.
jimmy: I am a little peckish. Thanks!
tomk: I hope that gamma radiation didn’t leak into the burrito.
jimmy: I dunno but it was delicious.
tomk: And you didn’t sell out a teammate to enjoy it.
jimmy: I’d never do that. Well, maybe Watson.
tomk: So, if Watson went to jail, the team here would be ruined without him like that rotten Skrull says about the Hulk?
tomk: Man, it might be time to get the real Cap back.
jimmy: Yeah, where are the original Cap, Mockingbird, etc. during all this?
tomk: Wanna find out?
jimmy: After that set up? For sure!
tomk: Those Skrulls really grabbed, like, the worst guy to take prisoner.
“Prisoner of War”
Steve Rogers decides it’s time to leave that Skrull prison.
jimmy: So a Skrull can turn into a pigeon. How does that work exactly?
jimmy: That’s probably as good an explanation as I’m gonna get.
tomk: Good. You get a bagel.
jimmy: What kind?
tomk: The kind that comes with fried eggs and bacon in sandwich form.
tomk: And that’s how I know you aren’t a Skrull…or someone who won’t eat pork products.
jimmy: Everyone knows Skrulls hate breakfast sandwiches.
tomk: Wouldn’t they know we know and make efforts to avoid such problems?
jimmy: Have you ever tried eating something you don’t like? It ain’t easy.
tomk: If I could shapeshift, I might change my taste buds.
jimmy: That’s interesting. Is that a thing?
tomk: Um, sure.
In fact, and as I am in no way trying to change the direction of this conversation, have another bagel breakfast sandwich.
At the very least we’ve established that you’re smarter than the Skrulls.
tomk: I don’t grab a guy who represents freedom to a whole country and try to make a prisoner out of him.
Besides, I think we all knew how Cap was getting out of that mess.
jimmy: Well, we know one of them has got to be a Skrull.
tomk: We do?
jimmy: Because they don’t exist in the same universe.
tomk: Are you saying there’s something Batman can’t do?
jimmy: I never said Batman was the Skrull.
tomk: Are you saying Batman doesn’t know a Skrull when he sees one?
jimmy: He’s just as good as the Skrulls at playing the long game.
tomk: Well, if the Skrulls were that good, they would have captured a different Avenger. I mean, I doubt anyone would notice if someone grabbed Hank.
jimmy: Good point. Or spent more time and resources making more than one Super Skrull.
tomk: Something wrong with the Super Skrull? He was winning.
jimmy: Nothing wrong, but if they had more…
tomk: How do you know they don’t have more?
jimmy: Were they on a coffee break?
tomk: They might be on Earth.
jimmy: On a coffee break?
tomk: Did you want a coffee, Jimmy?
jimmy: I don’t like coffee.
tomk: Then take a beer break.
jimmy: That I can do.
tomk: Anyway, Steve broke free. Because Skrulls are stupid.
jimmy: I’ve been saying that all along!
tomk: You’ve been saying how Skrulls plot out the long game.
jimmy: That too!
tomk: And you’ve been saying how much you want to keep Jenny out of your donut stash.
jimmy: You’re a really good listener.
tomk: I oughta be. Everyone else seems to ignore you.
jimmy: That’s true. Like that AIM guy the Skrulls replaced.
tomk: Oh come on. Quartermain paid attention when that guy said he was going to leave without Steve. Don’t leave without Steve.
jimmy: At some point the issue gets forced. Like you don’t leave Sue Storm behind either.
tomk: That’s just not a good idea.
“Hey, we’re mostly a bunch of regular people. Should we leave behind the woman with the awesome superpowers?”
“Well, someone might have to carry her, so sure.”
jimmy: Cap can do it. He’s been doing those push ups and pull ups for the last two months.
tomk: And then he can use a makeshift shield to fight the Super-Skrull.
Really, he does seem to do most of the work here.
jimmy: A make shift shield that defies the laws of physics.
tomk: It was made from Skrull materials, and they routinely defy the laws of biology all by themselves.
jimmy: That’s true.
tomk: And you know what other laws they break? Kidnapping and identity theft.
jimmy: I think that’s all coming to an end soon.
tomk: You think so, huh?
jimmy: Once Cap gets back to his home planet, he’s not gonna have a lot of good things to say about them.
tomk: Really? But what about Skrull Cap? Won’t people listen to him if they don’t know he’s not Real Steve?
jimmy: Not after we get one of these.
tomk: But those were both Steve.
jimmy: It was just an illustration.
tomk: But then the Skrulls still have no home. Lousy Galactus…
jimmy: Maybe if they asked nicely we’d share.
tomk: They don’t seem the type. Probably had too many beer breaks. Beer kills brain cells. They just want to back to that…place where their beds and TV…is.
jimmy: Except all that stuff is now in Galactus’s belly. Or something.
tomk: He is kind of a jerk. People need those things. At least Omnipotus listened when the Tick explained Earth was where he kept all his stuff.
jimmy: You gotta listen to The Tick.
tomk: Because he is mighty?
jimmy: You’re thinking of Thor.
tomk: Well, Thor is an Avenger.
jimmy: Indeed he is.
tomk: Whereas the Tick is, um, not.
jimmy: And Cap can spot a fake Avenger a mile away.
tomk: That is a handy skill. He’s probably also a winner at knifey-spoony.
jimmy: Like I said. When Cap gets back to Earth and puts on his sunglasses that allows him to see Skrulls in their natural state, there’s going to be hell to pay.
tomk: Did he remember to bring the sunglasses?
jimmy: We’ll see. Though he didn’t need them to sniff out those faux Avengers on the ship.
tomk: That’s because he knows Iron Man is really left-handed.
jimmy: So either he’s a Skrull, or Cap’s on a malfunctioning holodeck.
tomk: And we know it’s not the second option because there’s no sign of Captain Picard to help out Captain America.
jimmy: Now wouldn’t that be something?
tomk: They’d probably just team Picard up with the X-Men or something.
jimmy: That would make more…sense?
tomk: You want things to make sense?
jimmy: It helps.
tomk: Ok. The Skrulls decided to infiltrate the Serpent Society.
jimmy: Yeah. That makes sense.
tomk: Because those guys are huge movers and shakers.
jimmy: Shakers anyway.
tomk: Don’t quit your day job.
tomk: You’ll never lead a prison break with someone who calls you her greatest enemy despite the fact you’ve probably never met with those sorts of skills.
jimmy: Good or bad I’m letting Captain America get me out of there.
tomk: He does seem to know what he’s doing more than the others.
jimmy: He’s Captain America.
tomk: The first Avenger?
tomk: Because Thor is older?
jimmy; Oh, good call.
tomk: Thor is not in this episode.
jimmy: No? You didn’t see him behind that hay bale with Nick Fury on the Skrull ship?
tomk: What hay bale?
jimmy: You need to play closer attention, Tom.
tomk: Then where was it?
jimmy: Remember when Cap looked out the window and saw Saturn?
tomk: If that was Saturn and not some other ringed planet like Watson favorite Uranus.
jimmy: Let’s not talk about that.
tomk: Maybe they can change that name.
tomk: Well, Steve is on his way home. But it looks like the Skrulls already have a plan for that.
jimmy: Maybe they’re smarter than you give them credit for.
tomk: Only if they win.
jimmy: You know they won’t.
tomk: But there might be smarter people on Earth.
jimmy: Like Stephen Hawking?
tomk: How about Tony Stark?
jimmy: I guess those guys are smart and at least one of them is hot.
tomk: We know how you feel about Tony.
jimmy: Everyone loves Tony.
tomk: Maybe not Doctor Strange.
jimmy: That’s true. But he’s not in the show.
tomk: I thought you saw the hay bale.
jimmy: Was he there too? Man, you’d think those guys would have lent Cap a hand.
tomk: Cap seemed to be doing OK on his own.
jimmy: Sue helped a little.
tomk: Just a little. She had to take a nap.
jimmy: I could take a nap now, and I wasn’t held captive by the Skrulls for months.
tomk: No one could hold you captive? Is that what you are saying?
jimmy: Oh no. They could easily.
tomk: Are you sure? Is that why I see all those unconscious Skrulls outside your office? Some with antler marks and hoof imprints?
jimmy: See, they could easily take me captive…getting into my office is another story.
tomk: Then how come Jenny keeps raiding your donut stash?
jimmy: The moose likes her.
tomk: He’s not much of an office guardian then.
jimmy: He keeps the shapshifters and grizzly bears out.
tomk: What about shapeshifting grizzly bears?
jimmy: I never thought about that. I better buy another lock for the door and leave a picnic basket outside it.
tomk: You are smarter than the average shapeshifting bear.
jimmy: I should hope so.
tomk: Unless one is impersonating the Moose.
jimmy: Those shapeshifters really give you a lot to think about.
tomk: That’s why you shouldn’t think about it too hard.
jimmy: Wise words.
tomk: At least you know two superheroes, a SHIELD agent, a Hydra leader, a potential Scientist Supreme, a snake guy, and a government weasel can escape a Skrull warship.
jimmy: That’s a bad look for the Skrulls.
tomk: Their default look is a good look?
jimmy: I’m sure their moms think they’re cute.
tomk: That’s where they inherited their looks from.
jimmy: In some ways we’re not all that different from them.
tomk: That’s genetics for ya.
Regardless, Jimmy, the Skrulls aren’t beaten yet.
jimmy: Aren’t they, Tom? Aren’t they? Wait, I guess they’re not.
tomk: Right. Curious about their next move?
jimmy: Curious like a fox!
You need help sometimes, Jimmy.
jimmy: I know.
tomk: Wanna see if the Avengers can get their act together to beat ‘em?
jimmy: Do I?
tomk: Fine. Let’s see what the Skrulls are up to next.
NEXT: Tom and Jimmy will be back soon to share their thoughts on the end of the Skrull storyline. Come back soon for their discussion of “Infiltration” and “Secret Invasion”.