February 21, 2024

Gabbing Geek

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Watson Ranks the Top Movies/Specials of 2022: Original Properties Reigned, Tentpoles Were Folded

Caucasian woman watching move in empty theater

 

By: William Watson

In the streaming, post-covid era, media has changed.  I started a couple of years ago ignoring where the film was released (Theatrical releases only giving way to include streamers, TV/HBO movies, and Direct to PVOD).  Now, because the water is so muddy, I have added “specials”…the new format that exceeds the Oscar’s runtime definition of a Feature Film, but which is a singular entry that has a beginning, middle, and end.  Which is pretty much the definition of a movie, so here we are.

Enough boring navel gazing.  Here we go…

Time to jump right into the list!

Top Ten

10. WEIRD: THE AL YANKOVIC STORY

It is no secret that I love Weird Al.  I’ve seen him in concert three times; the last time as recently as October when he talked about how excited he was about this completely fabricated biopic.  And it was excellent.  On the down side, it almost ruined my relationship when, a couple of months before the release, my sweet girlfriend asked me “You hear they are making a Weird Al movie with Harry Potter?”  I should have just said yes.  Lessons learned.

9. MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON

Jenny Slate should legitimately be in Oscar contention for voicing this AMAZING character.  Watch this and you will never watch the opening to 60 Minutes the same way ever again.

8. CHA CHA REAL SMOOTH

Probably the most obscure movie on my top ten, but this Apple TV+ movie is the continuation of a smart drama run that led Apple to win Best Picture last year with CODA.  Writer/Director/Star Cooper Raiff is someone who is going to be the next big thing.

7. THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN

Collin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson deliver great performances that make a slow movie seem more fast paced.  But is this supposed to be a comedy or a drama?  You change your mind scene to scene.

6. VENGEANCE

A movie you thought was going to just make fun of rural texas but surprises you with a ton of heart and charm.  Great first film by B.J. Novak of The Office fame.

5. BULLET TRAIN

This is the kind of film that really hits the mark for me.  Comedy always on the edge of violence. Somewhere between “Bad Time at the El Royale” and Tarantino Lite.

4. THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT

Such a hilarious bit of self-deprecation by Cage, proving he is very much in on the joke that fueled million memes. This was a movie that could only be made with Nic Cage…well… MAYBE Jeff Goldblum could have done it as well…

3. GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY

He did it again! He may not be able to make a Star Wars movie to save his life but damn can Rian Johnson spin a Benoit Blanc yarn! Amazing timing that he wrote and filmed this movie well before Elon went into full Twitter meltdown mode.  Can’t wait for the sequel.

2. THE MENU

Like Bullet Train, The Menu makes you laugh until it scares the hell out of you. So grim. So funny. A movie that was truly…delicious!

NUMBER ONE!

I flirted with having The Menu and Glass Onion as #1 but in the end, my gut check said it had to be…

1. EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE

For someone who doesn’t like the idea of my superhero movies being consumed by telling cheap multiversal stories, I am also surprised that my top pick was ENTIRELY about the multiverse.  But THIS is how you use the premise.  Not for cheap cameos or to “undo” stories that you don’t like.  You use the infinite nature of reality to tell a great story about families. If this very original movie doesn’t win best original screenplay, they should discontinue the category.

BOTTOM TEN

But even more fun than the top 10?  The stinky bottom ten.  You see a lot of movies…you see a lot of stinkers.  This one is filled with franchises that should die off or attempts to create ones that should have never existed.

So let’s take a look at the stinky turds inhabiting the Watson Bottom Ten!

10. Jurassic World: Dominion

They had this cool premise that dinosaurs walk among us, and then they set it in a remote location. WTF!?!? It could have been a zombie movie with dinosaurs but instead they put out…this?  I would have rather just seen Jeff Goldblum vamping for 2 hours.

9. Ticket to Paradise

I love Clooney and Roberts but someone should have pulled them aside and said this kind of movie is not what audiences want anymore.  Or at least send it to streaming. This movie should have been made in the late 90s. Sure, it would have been bad then, but at least it would be in my past.

8. Firestarter

I used the DVD photo for this article because this felt like an old school, straight to DVD movie.  Not a day and date release.  Not a Streaming entry.  A freaking Red Box exclusive… Sure the original was bad, but it was fun. This one was just bad.

7. Marry Me

When my girlfriend passed on watching this romcom with me, I should have taken the hint. This movie was more painful that using a weedeater to manscape.

6. Morbius

This is the first superhero movie since the beginning of Gabbing Geek that I didn’t see in the theaters (other than during the pandemic). My favorite thing about this movie was how the internet tricked Sony into expanding it after in flopped…only to see it flop a second time.

5. Halloween Ends

You promise? This is the end. Thank goodness. They took a  smart reboot that essentially made fun of horror sequels and then made two very awful sequels.

4. Memory

I wish they had forgotten to release this turd.  LIAM NEESON! always manages to find a way into my bottom ten.  I literally watch a movie of his every year to keep his streak alive.

3. PINOCCHIO

Oh, Tom Hanks. You’ve brought me $15 dollars worth of joy over the years, so I will let you slide.

2. INTERCEPTOR

A film that made Fast and the Furious look like My Dinner With Andre.  So bad they added VERY out of place celebrity cameos for slapstick comedy.

1. MOONFALL

A film so bad, I BEGGED Ryan to watch in the hopes he would love it and I could ridicule him for years.  He live blogged his reactions with audio texts to me most of the film.  Oddly, because Ryan’s movie tastes are so erratic, I couldn’t tell until he rated it his lowest film as well that he didn’t like it…

Final Thoughts

I was not enamored with the movies Hollywood thinks should be on the big screen.  I am tired of the big movies having to be so overwhelmingly big that they ignore story and character.  It is no surprise that my Top Ten were all original, non-franchise films with the sole exception of the Knives Out sequel, which itself was a the breath of fresh air of 2019.

The movie business has changed and if they keep delivering smart movies like the ones in my top ten, I guess I can live with a cameo of Henry Cavill, Brandon Routh, Helen Slater, Christopher Reeve, and Kirk Alyn in the next Superman movie…

Full List (#1-150)

RANK MOVIE STARS LOCALE GENRE DATE WATCHED WATSON SAYS: RYAN SAYS:

ALL-TIME GREATS

A couple were close, but no movies hit that high mark this year.

EXCELLENT

ORDER MOVIE STARS LOCALE GENRE Stephanie
WATCHED
RUNTIME Ryan Says: Franchise Budget Company Watson Says:
1 EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, ALL AT ONCE 9.5 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 4/9/2022 2:19:00 A flawless movies about the power of choice and the evil of carbs. N Medium Solo If this original movie doesn’t win best original screenplay, they should discontinue the category.
2 THE MENU 9.5 FIRST RUN HORROR 11/23/2022 1:47:00 N Medium Stephanie So grim. So funny. A movie that was truly…delicious!
3 GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY 9.5 FIRST RUN COMEDY 11/24/2022 2:19:00 Best part? Benoit Blanc saying Clue sucks. Y Medium Group He did it again! He may not be able to make a Star Wars movie to save his life but damn can Rian Johnson spin a Benoit Blanc yarn!

STRONG ENTRIES

4 THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT 9 FIRST RUN COMEDY 5/7/2022 1:46:00 If this were any more meta, I’d work for it. N Medium Stephanie A movie that could only be made with Nic Cage…well… MAYBE Jeff Goldblum could have done it as well…
5 BULLET TRAIN 8.5 FIRST RUN ACTION 8/5/2022 2:06:00 A fun movie where the water bottle steals the show. N High Stephanie In that “Bad Time at the El Royale” wheelhouse…
6 VENGEANCE 8.5 PEACOCK DRAMA 9/23/2022 1:47:00 Why should you see this movie? BECAUSE IT’S RIGHT THERE! N Low Solo A movie you thought was going to just make fun of rural texas but surprises you.
7 THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 11/16/2022 1:54:00 I haven’t laughed this hard since the potato famine. N Low Solo Great performances that make a slow movie seem more fast paced.
8 CHA CHA REAL SMOOTH 8.5 APPLE TV+ DRAMA 6/20/2022 1:47:00 Why are the best coming of age movies about people 25 years younger than I am? Or is that how much older I have to be to appreciate them? N Low Solo One of those movies that make you want to see more from this young auteur.
9 MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 6/30/2022 1:30:00 Yet another film that really calls for the tampon to get more story time. N Low Solo The only word you can use to describe this movie is “charming”.
10 WEIRD: THE AL YANKOVIC STORY 8.5 ROKU COMEDY 11/5/2022 1:48:00 A movie about the greatest musical parody artist with a cameo by the greatest rock and roll artist. N Low Group I love Al and really enjoyed this movie, but I think if I wasn’t a diehard it would rank a little lower.
11 SOUTH PARK: THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT 8.5 PARAMOUNT+ SPECIAL 10/31/2022 1:39:00 Y Low Solo This concert has replaced “the Beatles playing on the roof” as the concert I most wish I had seen live…
12 DEATH ON THE NILE 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 2/11/2022 2:07:00 Who chewed more scenery, Branagh’s mustache or Armie Hammer? Y Medium Stephanie I liked the first installment, but damn if Branaugh didn’t find a new gear with this performance. Please make a third, WB!

VERY GOOD

13 THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY HOLIDAY SPECIAL 8.5 DISNEY+ SPECIAL 11/25/2022 0:45:00 I can’t decide what’s better: Kevin Bacon officially being in the MCU or DCEU officially being in the MCU. Y Medium Solo This needs to be their special model: film one concurrently with a big budget film so you can make it feel as premium as feature at a lower cost budget.
14 ELVIS 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 6/25/2022 2:39:00 How is the best movie about Elvis as an artist told from his manager’s perspective? Amazing direction. N High Stephanie A movie that moved up several spots the more I thought about.
15 TOP GUN: MAVERICK 8.5 FIRST RUN ACTION 6/17/2022 2:09:00 At first I was going to ding this movie for not using the “need for speed” line until I realized that line WAS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Y High Solo A movie endorsed by Jack Mecone. That was good enough for America…
16 THE WHALE 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 12/21 1:57:00 N Low Solo Excellent performances but I could tell it was an adaptation of a stage play before I saw that in the credits.
17 GUILLERMO DEL TORO’S PINOCCHIO 8.5 NETFLIX ADVENTURE 12/11 1:54:00 Yes, Guillermo, we get your dark vision. But we didn’t need an animated movie about accepting death. N High Solo The best Pinocchio movie ever was not made by Disney. Del Toro has Best Animated Feature in the bag.
18 WHO KILLED SANTA? A MURDERVILLE MURDER MYSTERY 8.5 NETFLIX SPECIAL 12/18 0:52:00 This is a triple stuff Oreo. Good stuff, but proportions are off. Y Medium Stephanie I love this series and was waiting for the Bateman team up.
19 RRR 8.5 NETFLIX BOLLYWOOD 12/18 3:07:00 N Medium Group This movie had everything. It even had a previously on in the middle of the film.
20 THE FABELMANS 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 11/27/2022 2:31:00 N Medium Stephanie Imagine being the kid cast to play a young Steven Spielberg in a movie directed by Steven Spielberg.
21 CLERKS III 8.5 Q&A EVENT COMEDY 11/14/2022 1:55:00 Y Low Group Smith’s best movie since Dogma. The Q&A afterwards was a big plus.
22 THE WOMAN KING 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 10/25/2022 2:15:00 I have a feeling this will be the film Black Panther 2 wishes it could be. N Medium Solo Wow…Ryan nailed it with his comment…
23 TILL 8.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 10/29/2022 2:10:00 I’m glad the team got to tell the story they wanted, I just wish it had included more elements from the actual events N Medium Solo An impressive movie, but a little paint by numbers.
24 JERRY AND MARGE GO LARGE 8.5 PARAMOUNT+ DRAMA 7/1/2022 1:36:00 The lesson here is to always buy lottery tickets where there is gas station nacho cheese. N Medium Stephanie The perfect Friday night streaming movie. This is where adult, mid budget movies should go.
25 THE OUTFIT 8.5 PEACOCK DRAMA 6/5/2022 1:45:00 Clothes haven’t been this deadly since Navalny. N Low Solo It is amazing that we had to wait until he was in his later years to get Mark Rylance. Glad he left Royal Shakespeare to make movies.
26 NAVALNY 8.5 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 6/3/2022 1:38:00 You cannot fight Russia with commandos, you fight Russia by going commando. N Low Solo This is the reason you should hate Vladimir Putin. Well…there may be other reasons, but this one too.

GOOD MOVIES

27 BODIES BODIES BODIES 8.5 FIRST RUN HORROR 8/27/2022 1:35:00 N Low Stephanie A cast so (intentionally) unlikeable, you get happy when the deaths start.
28 FIRE OF LOVE 8.5 DISNEY+ DOCUMENTARY 11/26/2022 1:33:00 I want a whole movie about the boat ride on an acid lake. N Low Stephanie Shocking that these folks died at the hands of a volcano.
29 BLACK AND BLUES: THE COLORFUL BALLAD OF LOUIS ARMSTRONG 8.5 APPLE TV+ DOCUMENTARY 11/13/2022 1:46:00 N Low Solo Amazing how much modern pop and soul music owes to Armstrong.
30 HONOR SOCIETY 8.5 PARAMOUNT+ COMEDY 12/12 1:37:00 If Easy A and Election had a baby it wouldn’t be this movie but they’d be related. N Low Solo If you are going to knock off Election, at least be this charming.
31 TAR 8 PVOD DRAMA 12/29 2:38:00 N Medium Solo Great performance but man is this pretentious?
32 NEVER STOP DREAMING: THE LIFE AND LEGACY OF SHIMON PERES 8 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 7/17/2022 2:09:00 N Low Solo The Forrest Gump of Israel
33 THE PHANTOM OF THE OPEN 8 FIRST RUN DRAMA 7/1/2022 1:46:00 N Low Solo More Rylance. He’s so good.
34 BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD DO THE UNIVERSE 8 PARAMOUNT+ ANIMATED 6/26/2022 1:26:00 Y Medium Solo Oddly relevant and funny 30 years after their debut
35 NOPE 8 FIRST RUN HORROR 8/4/2022 2:10:00 This is why you should only get rescue pets that are already housebroken. N Medium Stephanie Yup
36 HUSTLE 8 NETFLIX DRAMA 6/10/2022 1:58:00 If you told me Adam Sandler would make an excellent movie about balling I would not have predicted this film. N Medium Stephanie The perfect blend of comedy Wedding Singer Sandler and Uncut Gems Sandler makes a really good film
37 THE BLACK PHONE 8 PEACOCK HORROR 12/30 1:42:00 N Medium Group A surprisingly clever horror premise with a SHOCKINGLY good story.
38 SR. 8 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 12/6 1:30:00 A good documentary teaches you about something you never knew. A great documentary makes you instantly want to learn more about it. This is the latter. N Medium Solo The man who would play Iron Man was the son of the biggest indie director ever. A touching self-therapy session where we got to come along for the ride.
39 CHIP ‘N DALE: RESCUE RANGERS 8 DISNEY+ ANIMATED 5/20/2022 1:36:00 I found a single three second gap where they didn’t try to cram in a joke. Y Medium Stephanie A great send up of cop shows and Hollywood
40 THE ADAM PROJECT 8 NETFLIX ADVENTURE 3/11/2022 1:46:00 Bad science but good fun N High Stephanie Ryan Reynolds doing Streaming movies is a very good development
41 PREY 8 HULU HORROR 8/7/2022 1:40:00 The best science fiction franchise film based on an MC Hammer song I’ve ever seen. Y Medium Group This franchise SHOULD have died decades ago. Now I’m glad it didn’t.
42 SPIRITED 8 APPLE TV+ COMEDY 11/19/2022 2:07:00 It’s a family musical that managed to work in a “Fuck You!” song. How do you have this so low? N Medium Stephanie Ryan Reynolds doing Streaming movies is a very good development
43 2022: BACK THAT YEAR UP 8 PEACOCK SPECIAL 12/26/2022 1:11 Worth it for Nick Cannon’s parenting advice alone. N Low Solo Does Tucker Carlson really know you are not supposed to fuck M&Ms?
44 GOOD NIGHT OPPY 8 AMAZON DOCUMENTARY 11/27/2022 1:45:00 The better, smarter, and more emotional Wall-E. And it’s true. N Low Solo What would your wake up song be?
45 BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER 8 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 11/10/2022 2:41:00 This is the Rachel Trifle of Marvel films. All the parts may be good, but it doesn’t really go together well. Y High Group You felt the loss of Chadwick Boseman in so many ways.
46 WEREWOLF BY NIGHT 8 DISNEY+ SPECIAL 10/8/2022 0:54:00 A blast from start to finish. Go Ted! Y Medium Solo A fun special overshadowed a little by GotG.
47 UNTOLD: THE RACE OF THE CENTURY 8 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 9/18/2022 1:23:00 Less Untold and more Unremembered. Y Low Solo The best installment this “season” of a series of docs I always look forward to every year.
48 VIOLENT NIGHT 8 FIRST RUN COMEDY 12/1/2022 1:41:00 N Medium Stephanie Die Hard as a Christmas movie. Home Alone too!
49 ENOLA HOLMES 2 8 NETFLIX ADVENTURE 11/6/2022 2:10:00 Y Medium Solo If you liked the first one, you’ll like this one.
50 SEE HOW THEY RUN 8 FIRST RUN COMEDY 9/15/2022 1:38:00 If this were any more meta it’d be Bullet Train. N Low Solo This movie was designed for me to love, but I only liked it.
51 THE REDEEM TEAM 8 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 10/8/2022 1:38:00 N Medium Solo Fun doc, but wish it had been independently produced instead of coming from LeBron/DWade
52 FACING NOLAN 8 AIRPLANE DOCUMENTARY 9/3/2022 1:41:00 N Medium Solo Fun doc, but wish it had been independently produced instead of coming from The Nolan Family.
53 DC LEAGUE OF SUPER-PETS 8 FIRST RUN ANIMATED 8/10/2022 1:46:00 Y High Group The post-credit scene was the best part.
54 THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER 8 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 7/7/2022 1:59:00 You’re trying too hard when you try and make an axe funny. Y High Group A huge step down from Ragnarok.
55 JACKASS FOREVER 8 PARAMOUNT+ COMEDY 4/1/2022 1:36:00 The definition of mindless entertainment. Y Low Stephanie I am embarrassed I watched it. I am even more embarrassed I enjoyed it.
56 THE BATMAN 8 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 3/3/2022 2:56:00 This movie was so dark they had to film it all at night Y High Group They could have shaved 30 minutes eliminating Batman walking everywhere in slow motion.
57 CONFESS, FLETCH 8 PVOD COMEDY 10/25/2022 1:38:00 Not good enough for Netflix to buy the next two films, but a fun whodunnit. Y Medium Solo I like Jon Hamm, and I am always happy to see him in something like this.
58 APOLLO 10 1/2: A SPACE AGE CHILDHOOD 8 NETFLIX ANIMATED 5/25/2022 1:30:00 N Medium Solo More of a love letter to NASA and Houston.
59 CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: CONCERT AT PRINCE ALBERT HALL AND HOW THEY GOT THERE 8 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 9/28/2022 1:26:00 N Low Solo Such a good documentary concert, CCR was my #1 band on the Spotify for all of 2022. And it came out in September.

DECENT FLICKS

60 AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER 8 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 12/26 3:12:00 I am sick and fucking tired of James Cameron making me cry with animated characters in amazing movies. Y High Group Overindulgent runtime. Could have shaved an hour. A total five on the story but with a score of 11 on visuals, it balances out to an 8.
61 LIGHTYEAR 8 FIRST RUN ANIMATED 5/19/2022 1:40:00 Y High Group This movie was better than the public reaction would lead you to believe.
62 GRAY MAN 8 NETFLIX ACTION 8/7/2022 2:02:00 Yet another movie that proves every Ryan Gosling film takes place in the same universe. N High Stephanie This would have been a stinker on the big screen. On Netflix? Just fine…
63 SELENA GOMEZ: MY MIND AND ME 8 APPLE TV+ DOCUMENTARY 12/27 1:42:00 Through her off-camera work and this on-camera documentary, Selena Gomez has done an impressive amount to change the discussion of mental health. N High Solo Appreciated her journey around her mental health but the rest didn’t quite connect with me.
64 TONY HAWK: UNTIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF 8 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 5/4/2022 2:15:00 N Medium Solo The footage of him attempting the first ever 900 was a lesson in perseverance.
65 THE LOST CITY 8 FIRST RUN COMEDY 4/3/2022 1:51:00 Romancing the Bone(head) N Medium Stephanie A good date night movie.
66 THE SOUND OF 007 8 AMAZON DOCUMENTARY 11/15/2022 1:28:00 Great stories for great music, a fantastic bit for Bond fans. Y Low Solo A music doc you can put on, browse the internet, and not miss anything.
67 WATERGATE: HIGH CRIMES AT THE WHITE HOUSE 8 PARAMOUNT+ DOCUMENTARY 6/19/2022 2:00:00 N Low Solo It was what you’d expect.
68 THE BAD GUYS 8 PVOD ANIMATED 6/4/2022 1:39:00 Heist movie to steal your heart but doesn’t quite succeed. N Medium Solo A movie I thought Ryan would like more…
69 HALLELUJAH: LEONARD COHEN, A JOURNEY, A SONG 8 PVOD DOCUMENTARY 10/24/2022 1:55:00 N Low Solo A quirky doc about a quirky guy who wrote a quirky song that turned into a banger…
70 ALL THE OLD KNIVES 8 AMAZON ACTION 4/22/2022 1:43:00 Clever spy whodunnit with no good guys. N Medium Stephanie Nice framing device really boosted a normal spy thriller.
71 AMBULANCE 8 FIRST RUN ACTION 4/8/2022 2:16:00 N High Stephanie The best Michael Bay movie since the 90s.
72 WHERE THE CRAWDADS SING 8 PVOD DRAMA 12/2/2022 2:05:00 Solid by-the-numbers outsider mystery. N Medium Stephanie More an exploration of life in the Atlantic Coast than a mystery.
73 CAUSEWAY 8 APPLE TV+ DRAMA 11/20/2022 1:32:00 It’s fine and completely forgettable. N Low Solo Great acting. Boring movie.
74 PRINCE & THE REVOLUTION: LIVE 8 PVOD DOCUMENTARY 7/5/2022 1:57:00 N Low Solo Why the hell didn’t I ever see Prince live? This was the next best thing…

NOT A WASTE OF TIME

75 WOMEN TALKING FIRST RUN DRAMA 12/29 1:44:00 N Medium Solo Well acted and very important, but man did it drag…
76 BATMAN AND SUPERMAN: BATTLE OF THE SUPER SONS 8 PVOD ANIMATED 12/16 1:20:00 Y Low Solo One of the better DCAU entries.
77 THE GREATEST BEER RUN EVER 7.5 APPLE TV+ COMEDY 11/11/2022 2:06:00 N Medium Solo This movie was…fine…
78 I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY 7.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 12/25 2:22:00 N Medium Stephanie A perfectly cromulent movie.
79 SHE SAID 7.5 PVOD DRAMA 12/7 2:08:00 N Medium Solo Where the book really worked, the movie couldn’t quite get there. This story wasn’t a Disney moment…it was tons of slogging, hard work.
80 THE TINDER SWINDLER 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 2/5/2022 1:54:00 This gritty remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels wasn’t funny at all. N Low Stephanie Caveat emptor.
81 DOG 7.5 PVOD COMEDY 3/11/2022 1:41:00 N Medium Stephanie It had its moments, but needed more.
82 GREEN LANTERN: BEWARE MY POWER 7.5 HBO MAX ANIMATED 10/25/2022 1:28:00 Y Medium Solo Solid entry for DC animated.
83 THE ANTHRAX ATTACKS 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 9/11/2022 1:35:00 N Low Solo Interesting topic. Mediocre doc.
84 OPERATION: MINCEMEAT 7.5 NETFLIX DRAMA 5/21/2022 2:08:00 N Low Solo Colin Firth is all I remember.
85 THE PRINCESS 7.5 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 10/26/2022 1:34:00 N Low Solo Charles was a royal pain.
86 SOUTH PARK: THE STREAMING WARS VOL 1 7.5 PARAMOUNT+ SPECIAL 6/1/2022 0:48:00 Y Medium Solo A step down from the pandemic specials.
87 WHITE HOT: THE RISE AND FALL OF ABERCROMBIE & FITCH 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 5/1/2022 1:28:00 N Low Solo A hard doc to watch while eating a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
88 UNTOLD: THE GIRLFRIEND WHO DIDN’T EXIST 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 8/5/2022 2:04:00 Now we know that Manti is as dumb as his catfisher is an awful person. Y Low Solo I had not heard about what happened after the scandal broke.
89 SONICE THE HEDGEHOG 7.5 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 5/14/2022 2:02:00 He’s not just nice, he’s SOOOO nice Y High Solo A typo from early in the year that is too funny to correct.
90 GLADBECK: THE HOSTAGE CRISIS 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 6/12/2022 1:31:00 This movie proves how bad Germans are at American impressions. N Low Solo I feel like this would have ended in 15 minutes in the U.S.
91 GHISLAINE MAXWELL: FILTHY RICH 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 11/27/2022 1:45:00 N Low Solo If you’ve seen the Epstein doc (from the same director), you’ve seen this…
92 LUCY AND DESI 7.5 AMAZON DOCUMENTARY 3/8/2022 1:42:00 N Low Solo Amazon’s biopic last year was enough for me.
93 KIMI 7.5 HBO MAX DRAMA 2/13/2022 1:29:00 N Medium Solo Pandemic films freak me out.
94 THE GIRL IN THE PICTURE 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 7/6/2022 1:41:00 I still have no idea what happened here. N Low Solo I don’t remember this movie very much.
95 UNCHARTED 7.5 FIRST RUN ACTION 2/18/2022 1:56:00 First Uncharted I finished in less than 2 hours. Y High Stephanie Not great, but I would see a sequel.
96 UNTOLD: THE RISE AND FALL OF AND1 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 9/16/2022 1:09:00 Who would have thought that a few white guys would figure out a way to get rich off of the work of black and poor people? Y Low Solo That Nike commercial that crushed And1 is still amazing.
97 LOU 7.5 NETFLIX ACTION 10/4/2022 1:49:00 I am all about this new genre of “Liam Neeson Movies But Without Liam Neeson” N Low Solo Allison Janney is the saving grace of this meh movie.
98 BOB’S BURGER: THE MOVIE 7.5 HULU ANIMATED 7/12/2022 1:42:00 Y Medium Solo I don’t watch the show, and while this was ok, it didn’t compel me to watch the show.
99 THE JANES 7.5 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 6/9/2022 1:41:00 N Low Solo Timely.
100 FANTASTIC BEASTS 3 7.5 PVOD ADVENTURE 5/22/2022 2:22:00 Y High Solo Better than Part 2, but not good enough to keep going back for more.
101 ENDANGERED 7.5 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 7/4/2022 1:30:00 N Low Solo Nothing special.
102 THE NORTHMAN 7.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 4/29/2022 2:17:00 The ancient tale of where every European accent comes from. N Medium Solo Weird for the sake of weird at times that it would have helped NOT to be weird…
103 DOWNFALL: THE CASE AGAINST BOEING 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 2/21/2022 1:29:00 N Low Solo How is Boeing still in business? Legal bribery is probably the answer.
104 2022 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS: THE HOUSTON ASTROS 7.5 PVOD DOCUMENTARY 12/6 1:30:00 Y Low Solo I loved the ending but this was nothing more than a Sportscenter type recap.
105 RETURN TO SPACE 7.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 4/9/2022 2:08:00 N Low Solo The only bright spot in Musk’s year.

IF YOU HAVE SPARE TIME

106 ME TIME 7 NETFLIX COMEDY 8/27/2022 1:44:00 Sometimes you try to make a silly movie and you end up making a shitty movie. N Medium Stephanie Not bad for a Friday Netflix couch movie. Oddly, that’s TWO Wahlberg movies with a score of 7 or higher!
107 I WANT YOU BACK 7 AMAZON COMEDY 2/26/2022 1:51:00 Half of a good movie. Sadly, it’s the second half. N Low Stephanie Where do you want my load?
108 LOVE, LIZZO 7 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 11/30/2022 1:32:00 A frustrating documentary that skips over anything that would make it interesting. N Low Solo Docs the seem to be made by the subject are not a great development. But I still love Lizzo.
109 RISE 7 DISNEY+ DRAMA 9/6/2022 1:53:00 N Low Solo Felt like a Disney Channel movie instead of a Disney+ movie.
110 TRUST NO ONE: HUNT FOR THE CRYPTO KING 7 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 4/3/2022 1:30:00 You should’ve seen what the guy did with his Beanie Babies! N Low Solo I hope this turns out well for them…
111 FUGITIVE: THE CURIOUS CASE OF CARLOS GHOSN 7 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 11/1/2022 1:35:00 N Low Solo Could have been so much better.
112 RETURN TO HOGWARTS 7 HBO MAX SPECIAL 2/7/2022 1:45:00 Y Medium Solo Why can’t she sell this franchise to WB?!?!
113 TURNING RED 7 DISNEY+ ANIMATED 3/12/2022 1:40:00 Clever family adventure with a ton of heart N Low Group This one was lost on me.
114 INTO THE DEEP: THE SUBMARINE MURDER CASE 7 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 10/1/2022 1:27:00 N Low Solo Good subject with no narrative.
115 CATWOMAN: HUNTED 7 HBO MAX ANIMATED 6/3/2022 1:19:00 Y Low Solo Mediocre DC Animated.
116 CHERNOBYL: THE LOST TAPES 7 HBO MAX DOCUMENTARY 7/15/2022 1:35:00 N Low Solo Good subject with no narrative.

GETTING A LITTLE TEDIOUS

117 THE MAN FROM TORONTO 6.5 NETFLIX ACTION 6/26/2022 1:52:00 Woody can be the new Liam. N Medium Stephanie A decent bad movie.
118 SENIOR YEAR 6.5 NETFLIX COMEDY 5/20/2022 1:53:00 I liked the part when the cheerleaders got away with attempted murder. N Medium Stephanie I liked the premise, but I have been over Rebel Wilson.
119 SMILE 6.5 PARAMOUNT+ HORROR 12/28 1:55:00 Finally giving incels a reason to stop telling women to smile more. N Low Solo Barely even a grin.
120 THE MYSTERY OF MARILYN MONROE 6.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 5/1/2022 1:41:00 The real mystery is why the public can’t admit the truth about the Kennedys. N Low Solo I am not sure this was the best way to tell this story.
121 SOUTH PARK: THE STREAMING WARS VOL 2 6.5 PARAMOUNT+ SPECIAL 7/15/2022 0:51:00 Y Medium Solo The second installment was not very good.
122 DEEP WATER 6.5 HULU DRAMA 6/4/2022 1:56:00 N Medium Solo Shocking this big budget movie got sold to HULU. Shocking!
123 THE DUKE 6.5 FIRST RUN DRAMA 5/23/2022 1:36:00 N Low Solo Great leads. Dull movie.
124 DR STRANGE IN THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS 6.5 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 5/5/2022 2:06:00 This would have been a much shorter movie if there was a spell that made people forget things. Y High Group There will be more good Marvel properties, but it definitely peaked at Endgame.
125 HOME TEAM 6.5 NETFLIX COMEDY 2/6/2022 1:38:00 Ostensibly about football, but really about saving one boy’s butthole. N Medium Stephanie For a movie I rated poorly, I liked parts of it. Would have been better if it hadn’t been a Sandler produced flick.
126 BLACK ADAM 6.5 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 10/20/2022 2:05:00 DC tries to make Black Panther but without black people. Cool. Cool cool cool. Y High Group A superhero movie that would have been really impressive in 2004.
127 MEET CUTE 6.5 PEACOCK COMEDY 12/23/2022 1:29:00 N Medium Group The creepy dramedy side really impacts a cool time loop premise.
128 UNTOLD: OPERATION FLAGRANT FOUL 6.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 9/12/2022 1:17:00 Proof it is literally easier to take down the mob than the NBA. Y Low Solo There were times this one felt intellectually dishonest.
129 MOON SHOT 6.5 HBO MAX COMEDY 6/4/2022 1:44:00 N Low Solo Felt like a Disney Channel movie instead of an HBO Max movie.

I’M GETTING A HEADACHE

130 LOOK BOTH WAYS 6.5 NETFLIX COMEDY 8/26/2022 1:50:00 Either way, it sucks. N Low Stephanie I like seeing Austin in movies. That is all.
131 SPIDERHEAD 6.5 NETFLIX ACTION 6/18/2022 1:47:00 Of all the movies that have been based on a board game, this is the weirdest N Medium Stephanie Hemsworth is charming but this movie wasn’t.
132 THE CONTRACTOR 6.5 PARAMOUNT+ ACTION 6/11/2022 1:43:00 N Medium Solo Paint by numbers.
133 OUR FATHER 6.5 NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY 5/16/2022 1:37:00 He never had sex with them but he definitely screwed way too many people. N Low Solo Should have been a movie instead of a doc.
134 DAY SHIFT 6 NETFLIX ACTION 8/23/2022 1:53:00 N Medium Solo One good fight scene (really good!) couldn’t save this stinker.
135 THE 355 6 PVOD ACTION 4/21/2022 2:04:00 Finally a movie named for how many days of the year you can see something better. N Medium Solo Great cast. Bad script. Terrible direction.
136 SCREAM 6 PVOD HORROR 3/6/2022 1:54:00 These movies are so forgettable they even stopped making new titles Y Medium Solo Was this targeted at teens but still trying to trade on 90s nostalgia? Surprised it flopped.
137 MINIONS: THE RISE OF GRU 5.5 PVOD ANIMATED 8/11/2022 1:27:00 Michelle Yeoh makes everything better. Y High Group Just stop, already.
138 LAST SEEN ALIVE 5.5 NETFLIX ACTION 11/28/2022 1:35:00 Imagine Taken but the lead doesn’t have any skills. That would be more interesting than this movie. N Medium Solo A bad movie, but you gotta respect Gerard Butler showing up to movies passed up by Mark Wahlberg, Channing Tatum, Liam Neeson, and now Allison Janney. #Respect
139 THE BUBBLE 5 NETFLIX COMEDY 5/6/2022 2:06:00 Cinematic self-urination. Probably felt good at the time but super embarrassing when anyone else sees. N Medium Stephanie I wish it would have popped.
140 SAMARITAN 5 AMAZON ADVENTURE 9/7/2022 1:39:00 Popcorn fun that could have been better if it hadn’t tried to be clever. N Medium Solo A movie that was so dull you don’t care that there was a decent twist.

THE BOTTOM AND DESERVING

141 JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION 5 FIRST RUN ADVENTURE 6/15/2022 2:40:00 This is literally a movie about bugs that happens to have dinosaurs in it. Y High Stephanie I would have rather just seen Jeff Goldblum vamping for 2 hours.
142 TICKET TO PARADISE 5 PVOD COMEDY 11/13/2022 1:44:00 N Medium Stephanie This movie should have been made in the late 90s. Sure, it would have been bad then, but it would be in my past.
143 FIRESTARTER 4.5 PEACOCK HORROR 6/5/2022 1:34:00 When Zac Efron cried horribly fake tears of blood we all cried horribly fake tears of blood. Y Medium Solo Sure the original was bad, but it was fun. This one was just bad.
144 MARRY ME 4 PEACOCK COMEDY 2/22/2022 1:52:00 N Medium Solo When my girlfriend passed on watching this romcom with me, I should have taken the hint.
145 MORBIUS 4 PVOD ADVENTURE 5/23/2022 1:44:00 Did I see this? Literally can’t remember any of it. Y High Group My favorite thing about this movie was how the internet tricked Sony into expanding it after in flopped…only to see it flop a second time.
146 HALLOWEEN ENDS 4 PEACOCK HORROR 11/7/2022 1:51:00 Finally, a serial killer movie where we learn how the killer learned to use a knife. Y Medium Solo You promise? This is the end. Thank goodness.
147 MEMORY 4 AMAZON ACTION 11/8/2022 1:54:00 N Medium Solo I wish they had forgotten to release this turd.
148 PINOCCHIO 4 DISNEY+ ADVENTURE 9/19/2022 1:51:00 Y High Solo Oh, Tom Hanks. You’ve brought me $15 dollars worth of joy over the years, so I will let you slide.
149 INTERCEPTOR 3.5 NETFLIX ACTION 6/4/2022 1:38:00 This is why we can’t have nice things. N Medium Solo So bad they added VERY out of place celebrity cameos for slapstick comedy.
150 MOONFALL 3 PVOD ACTION 5/1/2022 2:10:00 Roland Emmerich will not stop until somebody gives him an Earth vs Bad Aliens franchise. N High Solo Science, bitch!

 

Deep Metrics for the Nerds!

Platform:  Where I watched it.

Platform Average Count %
PEACOCK 6.50 8 5.33%
PVOD 6.79 17 11.33%
AMAZON 6.79 7 4.67%
NETFLIX 7.21 41 27.33%
HULU 7.33 3 2.00%
DISNEY+ 7.29 7 4.67%
HBO MAX 7.38 12 8.00%
PARAMOUNT+ 7.65 10 6.67%
AIRPLANE 8.00 1 0.67%
FIRST RUN 8.04 36 24.00%
APPLE TV+ 8.08 6 4.00%
ROKU 8.50 1 0.67%
Q&A EVENT 8.50 1 0.67%

Highest rating among platforms with 5 or more was Apple TV+.  Most common platform was Netflix.

Month:  When I watched it.

Month Average Count %
January N/A 0 0.00%
February 7.00 9 6.00%
April 7.72 9 6.00%
May 6.79 17 11.33%
June 7.18 22 14.67%
March 7.33 6 4.00%
July 7.65 10 6.67%
August 7.41 11 7.33%
September 7.09 11 7.33%
October 7.79 12 8.00%
November 7.57 23 15.33%
December 7.89 20 13.33%

I saw the best movies in the awards season, peaking in December.  Apparently, I saw a lot of movies in May and June, but they seem pretty weak.

Genre: What kind of movies where they?

Genre Average Count %
ACTION 6.47 16 10.67%
SPECIAL 7.81 8 5.33%
ADVENTURE 7.00 16 10.67%
HORROR 7.00 9 6.00%
COMEDY 7.28 23 15.33%
ANIMATED 7.54 12 8.00%
DOCUMENTARY 7.60 39 26.00%
DRAMA 7.98 26 17.33%
BOLLYWOOD 8.50 1 0.67%

No surprise, my dramas carried the day, but as usual, I watch a lot of documentaries.

Runtime: How long was the damn movie?

Min Time Max Time Average Count %
0:01 0:59 7.80 5 3.33%
1:00 1:29 7.38 16 10.67%
1:30 1:44 7.27 52 34.67%
1:45 1:59 7.31 39 26.00%
2:00 2:14 7.36 22 14.67%
2:15 2:29 8.25 8 5.33%
2:30 2:45 7.60 5 3.33%
2:45 2:59 8.00 1 0.67%
3:00 3hr+ 8.25 2 1.33%

I saw a lot of mediocre movies between 1:30 and 1:44 minutes.

Franchise: Was this an established franchise of some kind or an original property.

Franchise? Average Count %
Y 7.31 45 30.00%
N 7.45 105 70.00%

The average wasn’t as dramatic as I expected.  This is attributable to a lot of mediocre originals mixed in with the great ones.  That’s what happens with a 70/30 split.

Budget:  Using a best estimate, what was the budget level of the film?

Budget Average Count %
Low 7.66 61 40.67%
Medium 7.27 65 43.33%
High 7.13 24 16.00%

Low budget films carried the day, likely because the filmmaker had to focus more on making a great story versus phoning it in.

Companionship: Did I watch it alone, with Stephanie, or with a group of people?

Companionship Average Count %
Solo 7.31 96 64.00%
Group 7.50 18 12.00%
Stephanie 7.61 36 24.00%

When I showed this to Stephanie she had two pieces of feedback:  One…never show me nerdy shit like this again and two…Stephanie is quality control in every aspect her life besides her choice of boyfriends.