Hey, it’s the late character actor Charles Napier as a 40s American general! Awesome!
Also, some of the characters find themselves in 1940s Roswell.
It’s the big day for Nog as he is finally leaving for Starfleet Academy. That means his last act on the station is to sell all of his belongings for a profit, as per Ferengi tradition. Everyone is there, buying his stuff. Even Worf, who initially disapproves of sending a Ferengi to the Academy (something O’Brien points out might have been said about Worf himself at one point in time), ends up buying Nog’s tooth-sharpener.
My god, are those Worf’s teeth? I hope they aren’t Michael Dorn’s actual teeth…
Regardless, it’s a good day for Nog. That makes it a good day for Rom. It isn’t such a good day for Quark as he still doesn’t approve, but he gets a better day when a cousin who promised him a starship if said cousin’s weapons business ever took off sends something over. Since said business just took off a decade after that promise, Quark got a ship, the Quark’s Treasure. And yes, Rom checked the ship out and made sure it was actually safe to fly. Quark now wants to fly Rom and Nog to Earth as a maiden voyage.
Oh wait, something did go wrong. That cousin didn’t like Quark (does anybody?), and the warp drive won’t shut off. So, the ship won’t slow down unless Rom does something smart. Since he is smart about machines, he does: he knows Quark was smuggling some rare volatile stuff called kemocite, and he can maybe use that to slow the ship down. Fortunately, it works. Mostly. It also shunts the trio to the distant past. Turns out the Roswell Incident was aliens after all. And the aliens were Quark, Rom, and Nog.
Also, their universal translators are on the fritz because of background radiation from nuclear weapons testing. So, the humans holding them (including Napier’s general) can’t understand a word the three say and vice versa. Things aren’t totally hopeless. O’Brien and Bashir gave Nog an interacting guidebook on all things Hu-man (as Quark says), so he knows about the bombs and why everyone is smoking. Quark hears this and thinks that since humans are killing themselves, they must be pretty stupid. So, once Rom gets the translators fixed, Quark begins negotiations with plans. Sell the humans advanced Ferengi tech, and using his ship, give his own people Warp Drive before, well, everyone. Nog and Rom aren’t really on board with that. Nog is worried about changing the timeline. Rom just wants to go home.
Also, Odo is there. He was suspicious of Quark and was hiding in plain sight as a guard dog the entire time.
Now, it’s not a Quark episode if he doesn’t bite off more than his pointy teeth can chew. He thinks he’s got the humans where he wants them, and then something unexpected happens: the general doesn’t believe him and wants to find out what the Ferengi really want. That means torture because, sure, the humans might want advanced tech, but this is still the freakin’ Cold War.
Needless to say, Quark changes his mind. Multiple jabs of sodium pentothal will do that.
So, with the help of some humans who actually sound like they’d like to join the Federation, plus Odo coming up at the right moment, the trio escape and use an A-bomb test with the remaining kemocite to get home. Nog gets dropped off at the Academy, and the others return to the station. Once there, Odo arrests Quark for smuggling, meaning Rom can run the bar for a while. I’d say everyone got what they deserved for all this.
Plus, it’s nice to have an episode that’s just supposed to be funny once in a while.