Simpsons Did It!: “Uncut Femmes”

So, is Sarah Wiggum a mystery that needed solving?

I don’t know, but the show did anyway.

The episode opens with good fortune for Carl as he sees something horrible in the nuclear plant that should be reported, but Smithers is there with an NDA and a pair of concert tickets if Carl would just agree to never mention the horrible, unkillable radioactive thing in that one room.  Carl agrees and gets two tickets to paradise in the form of a Bob Seger show.  And since he has two, he opts to take…wait, not Lenny?  Homer?  OK, I’ll go along.

Yes, I am aware “Two Tickets to Paradise” is not a Bob Seger song.

Small problem:  Homer was supposed to chaperone the kids at a World War II era battleship weekend, and he was aware of this for quite some time.  Marge has her one big weekend of the year when the annual Gen Gala comes along and she, along with her various female and gay friends, sling catty comments about the rich and famous folks in attendance.  But unless you’re new to this show, you know Homer will manage to get around this, leaving Marge to take the kids to the boat.  Bummer.

There happens to be a lot of guest stars in this episode, including Tiya Sircar and Natasha Rothwell.  I don’t really know who they are, but they got listed as guest stars, so here we are.  But on the boat we get Nick Offerman returning as Captain Bowditch, last seen running a sailing ship that doubled as a therapy boat for fathers and sons with troublesome relationships.  Personally, I remember that episode best for this earworm of a sea shanty Bowditch and Homer sang over the closing credits:

Oh, and if we get Offerman, maybe we can also get his wife Megan Mullally along for the ride.  We do since she’s voicing quiet Sarah Wiggum, the woman nobody wants to pair up with to chaperone the children as the kids excitedly clean rust off the boat.  That means everyone else pairs up before Marge can react and she’s stuck with Sarah.

Only it turns out Sarah is a lot more fun than she lets on, seeing as how she’s good at swiping liquor, tricking children into going to bed hours early, and knowing what it’s like loving a fat, dumb husband with poor impulse control and a job that is far too dangerous for a man of his capability.

Oh yeah, Burns’s bribery means Wiggum is also at the concert, sitting next to Homer.  Looks like he finally got to see Bob Seger after all.  Heck, he and Homer get to meet the guy playing himself…and he tells them off for mistreating their wives.  It’s enough to make the two men feel guilty and go looking for Marge and Sarah.

Another small problem:  Marge and Sarah were kidnapped by two women named Bette and Erin (Sircar and Rothwell).  Oh, it’s not a bad thing for either Marge or Sarah.  See, Sarah used to run with a gang of glamorous thieves, but on a night when she was supposed to seduce the security guard (who turned out to be Clancy Wiggum), she ended up falling for the guy and missing the rest of the heist of a valuable diamond…only to get back in time to see Bette and Erin getting arrested.  Sarah blamed herself, but the other two knew better and understood the real problem was their fourth member Red, a woman who betrayed the others and took a valuable hourglass-shaped diamond for herself.  Sarah’s dalliance kept her from being arrested, and now Bette and Erin need Sarah’s help to get revenge on Red.

Also known as Lindsey Naegle.

Oh, and since the whole thing will go down at the Gen Gala, Marge’s own encyclopedic knowledge comes in handy for sneaking in, so she’s also involved.

Man, this sure does look a lot like an Ocean’s 11 type thing.  Probably Ocean’s 8 since that one also involved robbing a gala of some kind and Marge even makes a Rihanna reference when she spots the woman at the event.  Granted, “Rihanna” has no lines, so it’s not quite a guest appearance…

Wait, I think I missed some stuff.  Oh yeah.  Homer and Wiggum get back to the boat and learn the women are gone, but Ralph saw the whole thing and Clancy speaks Ralphie.  And if someone kidnapped Sarah, there can be only one culprit!

Except Joe Mantegna’s Fat Tony says he didn’t do it.  Why would he do that?  He can’t wish harm on his enemy’s family if the family is dead or missing, and besides, Wiggum is good for organized crime due to his sheer incompetence.  Homer spots Marge on the TV at the Gen Gala, and he and Clancy head off, leaving Fat Tony to babysit Ralph in one of the more amusing reoccurring bits in this episode.

Well, good news there.  Marge and Sarah get inside decked out in the finest outfits they can find, and with help from the other two posing as servers, they manage to get away with the theft of a single hourglass-shaped diamond in Naegle’s tiara since Naegle is in attendance with Rainier Wolfcastle.  But then the fake hourglass-shaped diamond they substituted for the real thing breaks, Naegle gives chase to Sarah, and would have caught up to her except that was when Clancy showed up and loudly shouted her name.  Marge tripped Lindsey, who fell down every one of the 55 stairs Marge was gushing over earlier, and when she landed, not only were more stolen goods planted in her purse and she was in horrible pain, but Wolfcastle broke up with her because she was falling down the stairs a very long time and he had time to meet someone else.

So, that’s that.  The men and women are reconciled, Clancy knows about Sarah’s life before they met and doesn’t care, and Marge gets roasted by the attendees at her own party in the Simpson house for the dress she was wearing.

It’s probably what Marge would have wanted.

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