Watson Reviews: Outlaw King (Spoiler Free)

Netflix spends a little money on at least one big action film a year. Last year it was Will Smith’s Bright. This year, it seems to be Chris Pine’s Outlaw king.

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

After William Wallace of Braveheart game fell, Robert the Bruce (worst superhero name ever) took up arms against the villainous Edwards of England.

Despite a split Scotland, and facing the greatest army in the World, Robert manages to Bruce the shit out of things and fight for Scottish independence.

WHAT WORKED:

• It was good enough to justify a Netflix subscription.  It was something I watched and didn’t hate. Some of their other offerings are dreadful and this was not.
• Pine was fine. I like Chris Pine. He didn’t embarrass himself, Kevin Costner style. He was affable and moved things along. Didn’t need to see his penis, but ok…
• It mildly scratches the Game of Thrones itch. Swords and battles. Stannis as a grumpy king. The Blackfish arguing about battle. Jorah “fookin'” Mormont giving wise advice. Horses. Blood. Betrayal. Sex. Limp penises. It’s all there.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

• Face it…this is kind of like Braveheart’s direct to DVD sequel…  And it felt like it. It wasn’t bad, but it pales in comparison.
• The script was more like a video game than a movie. With the film jumping from one impossible battle to the next, the actual dialogue began to feel more like video game cutscenes.
• The battle sequences were decent, but like early seasons of Game of Thrones. There were a lot of them, but they were close quarter (cheaper) and often dark (easier to obscure the action). It’s good, but GoT now has me spoiled.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

By the HBO original features standards, this is quite good. By theatrical release standards, it is entirely mediocre.

Netflix wants to be judged with the big kids, so no grading on the curve.

The battle scenes were ok, but the rest of the film was bland.

Besides…I like my stories of a ragtag bunch of rebels fighting and beating a superior British army to feature hip hop songs written and performed by Lin-Manuel Miranda…

Overall, I give Outlaw King a score of 7.5 “Chris Pine Dick Pics” out of 10.