Oh look. Moe’s heartbroken again.
It’s Thanksgiving time, and Marge wants to pair down the guest list for the Simpson’s dinner, and that means Homer has to tell Moe he can’t come. Moe, infuriated that Homer would do the lowest possible thing of coming down to the Tavern and explaining the disinvite well in advance with a regretful tone to Moe’s face, is really mad and heartbroken again, but something happens: he gets a crank call from Bart, recognizes it for what it was, turns it back on Bart, and wishes the boy well when he grows up because life is about learning and growing from one’s mistakes.
That’s actually something of the theme of this episode now that I think about it.
Now, Bart doesn’t learn from his mistakes, so he, Nelson, and Milhouse go down to Herman’s to really prank Moe back as revenge against…something. Bart doesn’t care. Why Herman? He has access to…the Dark Web!
Dum dum DUM!
Yes, the Dark Web, where an animated crowbar voiced by Jon Lovitz will help you buy illegal stuff, but will turn into a cartoon weasel and report you if the FBI comes sniffing, leading to a quick cartoon showing an animated raid on the Simpson house that ends with Homer shot to death like that would stop Bart.
So, what did Bart and the boys order for Moe?
A Russian mail order bride named Anastasia, played by Orphan Black actress Ksenia Solo. Who does she play on that show, which has write-ups come up here every Wednesday these days? A character I have seen and never mentioned in my write-ups because I never thought she was important enough to mention. However, she has a nice Russian-sounding accent here, so Moe falls for her.
But he doesn’t want to. Moe has a bad history with romance, recounting a few, some of which were seen on the show previously. Apparently, Laney Fonatine broke up with him through an elaborate, Tony-winning stage show that broadcast all of his shortcomings. That kinda stinks. As it is, even though Anastasia seems rather impressed by Moe’s digs, Moe tells her she needs to leave because he doesn’t want to be heartbroken again.
While all this is going on, Bart gets caught ordering stuff off the Dark Web at home and when Homer bravely volunteers to go down to Moe’s and comfort his heartbroken friend until closing time, leaving Bart’s punishment in Marge’s hand. And she does not go easy on the boy, having him write stuff in the chalk on the driveway and start over when it starts raining and changing Grampa’s diapers.
However, Moe has a change of heart and goes after Anastasia. She’s already moved on to date Krusty but agrees to give Moe a second chance if he gives her a traditional Russian wedding. Moe agrees, setting up the wedding behind his bar with Duffman as a special guest.
But then Bart, in the final phase of his punishment as he wears a pink suit, catches a glimpse of the marriage contract. He’s learned Russian off the Dark Web and he, Nelson, and Milhouse read off the contract that says Moe will give Anastasia all his stuff.
That’s not too bright. Moe’s deep in debt.
So, yeah, the whole thing was a scam. She wasn’t even Russian. She was from Ohio, and while doing a Scottish accent to show how easily she could land another sucker, she gets the attention of Groundskeeper Willie.
I think the moral of the story here is Moe should listen to instincts, and Nelson’s father might be on Mars, but following him there doesn’t mean he’s staying there.
Yeah, the epilogue was weird.
The Wheel Of Time “A Place Of Safety”
The X-Files “Blood”
Hunters “The Trial Of Adolph Hitler”