Vikings “Death All ‘Round”

Ragnar spends most of this episode going through withdrawal.

Why do I get the impression this half of the extra-long season was some sort of after-school special?

Well, little Alfred finally arrived in Rome and got to meet the Pope…hey, it’s the same actor who plays the Eyeless Seer Dude!  That’s kinda cool.

Not cool?  Giving the kid a big ceremony and handing him a sword.  Man, Athelstan is such a holy treat to everybody that even his illegitimate seed is considered sacred by, oh, everybody.

Ecbert, meanwhile, gets a new crown and gets to somewhat tell off his old ally King Aelle.  But who cares what’s happening in England?

In France, Lagertha miscarries, and Finehair and Halfdan raid a farm and kill the family that lives there.  That second part is to remind you which vikings are bad people…you know, anyone who isn’t Ragnar and his closest allies.  I’m not sure if That Asshole Floki counts as a closest ally anymore.  He sure seemed happy to build those…what are those?  Barges?  I mean, everyone was happy to see Ragnar’s plan to get the boats over the mountains was a success, and by “everyone” I mean everyone who isn’t one of those poor Frankish farmers Finehair and Halfdan introduced themselves to.  That Asshole Floki is back to being weird and Ragnar is relying on him.

Who does Ragnar rely on?  Well, Lagertha is out, but the one man Ragnar really leans on has always been Bjorn, and Bjorn alone knows about that weird Chinese “medicine”.  And Bjorn uses the magic of great sex to make sure Torvi kills her ex-husband Dinky when Dinky stupidly gives her his crossbow to kill Bjorn with.  If Dinky really wanted Bjorn dead, maybe he should have done it himself.

But in this increasingly random write-up, we see Aslaug is miserable without Harbard, and would rather play Scandinavia Checkers with Ivar than worry about poor Siggy.  She drowned in the river.  No, not the original Siggy.  The other Siggy.  The daughter Bjorn abandoned.  Or Too Pretty abandoned.  Someone abandoned her.  She’s dead anyway.  I think what we learned here is it pays not to be named Siggy if Harbard comes by, and to make sure if you are that you stay far away from the river.

Rollo, meanwhile, is getting some nice promotions from Emperor Charles, but learns Gisla won’t have sex if she’s pregnant.  Some things in Frankia really suck for Rollo, and he doesn’t quite see why he’s not the most powerful man in the kingdom when Gisla explains it all comes down to proximity.

But as it is, the vikings are coming with their weird barges.  Ragnar saved a little medicine for the battle to come.  He doesn’t even care about sacking Paris this time.

He just wants his treacherous brother dead.