Simpsons Did It!: “The Mansion Family”

John Swartzwelder wrote an episode that featured pirates.  That has to be worth something!

Like, you know, about 22 minutes worth of entertainment.

For some reason, Britany Spears is co-hosting the Springfield Spirit Awards with Kent Brockman, a ceremony that gives out awards to different members of the community for various whatevers.  Homer is sure it’s his year despite a lot of buzz around Lenny.  But Homer wins squat.  Heck, Marge even got an award for donating the most blood.  Homer even tries to win the oldest resident award when a peck on the cheek from Spears to the elderly winner kills the poor guy.

But the oldest man in town is actually Mr. Burns.  The realization that he is the oldest man in Springfield causes Burns to realize he’s not a young man anymore, and he should take better care of himself.  Smithers decides to take his boss to the Mayo Clinic for a complete check-up  Since he’d be gone for a while, Burns decided he needed a house sitter and asked for the guy who’s always screwing up and wrecking everything.  Smithers believes Burns means Homer and asks why as Homer is, for no clear reason, sawing his work station in half on the monitor at that very moment.  Burns believes Homer must be due for a good performance at this point.

So, the Simpsons move into Burns’ mansion, and Burns and Smithers are off to the Mayo Clinic.  Homer immediately takes to the place, in that he wants to act like his idea of a billionaire.  He isn’t alone.  Bart rides his bike at high speeds through a hallway, wrecking things (He’s Al Unser Jr!).  Lisa follows on a pony (She’s Princess Margaret!).  And Homer will follow both kids on a riding mower, wrecking even more things (He’s drunk!).

But Homer wants to feel important, and Marge won’t let him with her sense of responsibility.  She certainly won’t let Homer throw a party, or a part-ay, a shindig, a hootenanny, a soiree, or even a box social.  Depressed, Homer goes to Moe’s.  But, it’s Sunday, and Moe can’t legally sell beer until after 2PM.  Unless, of course, they were out in international waters.  Nothing’s illegal out there.  Hey, Burns has a yacht…

Guess where Homer decides to throw his party?

Out at the Mayo, Mr. Burns goes through a variety of tests only to learn he has everything.  You name it, he has it, but due to something the doctors call “Three Stooges Syndrome,” the diseases balance each other out, so he may be indestructible.  Or a slight breeze could do him in.  Burns prefers the former.

Out in international waters, Homer, Bart, and most of the men of Springfield are having a grand old time.  All kinds of things happen out there.  Monkey knife fights.  Men marry cows.  Old west shoot-outs.  Bullfighting.  Ships rebroadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent instead of expressed written consent.  And you can taunt the Coast Guard and they can’t do a thing about it.

You can also attract pirates from Hidden Pirate Island, AKA Hong Kong.  They may assume you’re a homosexual party boat, but they have nice things, and the pirates manage to nab everyone but Homer while he’s dancing.  And the Coast Guard can’t or won’t come save you if you made fun of them.  Homer doesn’t want to join the others in the net, and after punching out a few parrots, grabs a knife from a monkey and swings into action.  And if it weren’t for the rope burn, charley horse, and accidental stabbing of himself, he might have gotten somewhere.  You know, other than the net, which gets dropped overboard with all the partygoers in it.  The pirates got all their valuables, even Moe’s bus pass.

Fortunately, the net floats.  Well, the top half does, where Homer and Bart (among others) are.  They can float home on the current above the real heroes, AKA the guys drowning on the bottom of the net.

Burns gets home to find his house spotless, giving off the foul stench of youth.  Sure, he lost his boat, but accidents happen.  Well, Furious George, who lost that monkey knife fight, he’s in bad shape.

Smithers is going to have to donate a lot of skin for that.