Lisa Simpson is eternally eight years old. Is that old enough to start dating? My guess is probably not.
But before we get ahead of ourselves, let us consider that the whole thing starts after a shocking act of vandalism. Superintendent Chalmers brings his new car, a used Honda, to show off at Springfield Elementary, and someone steals the “H” logo off the hood. Random locker searches ensue, during which Skinner’s first thought is to pry open Bart’s. Against Bart’s advice, Skinner looks inside and promptly takes a dozen eggs to the face. But no “H”.
The search continues until Skinner gets to the last one, Nelson’s. And yeah, Nelson had it, along with a principal’s ransom of stolen goods. Nelson is forced to return all goods and apologize to those wronged (he manages the first half without a problem), and then do what Skinner said was the lowest form of work known to man…janitorial stuff. Groundskeeper Willy was standing right there.
As it is, Nelson uses this time to do things like deliberately misunderstand Willy’s accent to spray the gruff Scotsman with a hose, or toss him a beehive. Lisa, watching from the band room, finds the antics unexpectedly amusing. Nelson is like a riddle wrapped in an enigma inside a vest. This all leads to Mr. Largo giving Lisa detention, and Lisa realizing she has a thing for Nelson.
What’s a plucky Simpson woman to do? Try and change her man. Marge says women who say you can’t are quitters, and look at all the good work she’s done with Homer. I mean, yeah, Homer got a scammer’s autodialer, and he’s using it to tell everyone in town that they can find eternal happiness by just sending him one dollar. He makes at least two off Grampa and Jasper, neither of whom seem much happier as a result. Can you imagine how much worse Homer would be if Marge hadn’t been putting all that effort in?
As a result, Lisa begins to woo Nelson, and even gets him some nicer clothes, and the two share a first kiss. Aw.
Then Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney show up and declare that kissing a girl is so gay. Aw.
Will Nelson go with the other guys to hit Skinner’s house with rancid cole slaw? Well, yes, as soon as he ditches Lisa. Then he can use Lisa as a cover for his shenanigans. It would work if Lisa didn’t figure out Nelson was lying to her.
On her walk home, Lisa sees Milhouse. It seems Milhouse has a thing for Lisa himself, and even after passing a mash note for her to Nelson got him sent to the hospital, he can still hold out hope that Lisa’s next crush, whenever it is, could be on “anybody”. Milhouse is certainly anybody.
But as Mr. Largo tells us, nobody likes Milhouse.
As for Homer, his autodialer scam ended with the cops arrested him and the courts made him call everyone to apologize. He did so with the autodialer that also said if you accepted his apology, send a dollar to “sorry dude”. Why do I suspect Homer’s either wilier than I thought, or didn’t learn a damn thing.
Oh wait, my mistake, both of those things are true.