Yes, it’s Independence Day here in the States (or Monday in Jimmy’s country), but do we take breaks here at Gabbing Geek? Well, I don’t. I have too much time on my hands.
So, without further ado, here’s that ridiculous Box Office Report that Watson still hasn’t come back to.
Yes, in honor of the Fourth, we have another Watson cousin here to give the report. This one says his name is Patriotic Watson, but I think he takes things a wee bit too far.
Anyway, here’s what he had to say.
YEE HAW! It’s my favorite holiday! Independence Day! I’m gonna celebrate the best way possible! I’m gonna blow stuff up and enjoy me some Freedom Fries, Freedom Toast, and Freedom Vanilla! YEAH BABY!
And what says Murica more than capitalism? We ain’t no commies! We celebrate success! Finding Dory got nearly $42 million more this past weekend! This calls for some Roman Candles! WOO!
And then there was The Legend of Tarzan. They had to add some Americans to that movie, and it came in second place with $38 million! Who needs some stupid British guy in a loincloth when he needs help from AMERICA! USA! USA! USA!
The Purge: Election Year had the right idea! That movie’s tag line was “Keep America Great!” That’s the right idea! We need to keep this country great! Yeah, that line sounds like some sort of not-particularly subtle political satire, but I don’t care! $30.8 million! Keeping America America! YEAH!!!
Then there was The BFG. That movie just proves them Brits are soft. I woulda taken out them giants with a cruise missile, as would any like-minded and real lover of freedom! At $19 and a half million, America would have saved the day again if they’d just had a few more explosions takin’ out the bad guys! HOLY CRAP I LOVE EXPLOSIONS!
And finally, another movie that just gets it: Independence Day: Resurgence. Another $16.5 million to remind us all that Bill Pullman was the greatest president we ever had! You think any of those other clowns could take out a mothership? Course not!
BRING ON THE FIREWORKS!
I got scared and hid under a desk until he left after that.