We’re still missing Watson, and we still need to do the Box Office Report.
This week, we found what looked like a Watson family reunion of all manner of distant Watson cousins I hadn’t met before.
That, or I found some frat party that had some Watsons included. No one is surprised by where a Watson can be found anymore.
One of them between drinks told me this much:
Box office? Sure. I can tell ya the box office results. Why do you think we’re having this kegger? Have a beer, man. We celebrate everything. Birthdays. Bar mitzvahs. Box office results. Successful parallel parking. Everything.
So, in first place, there was The Jungle Book with another $42.4 million. Do you know how much weed I could get with that kind of money? No, I am really asking. I’ve done a lot of weed and I am bad at math.
We also celebrate being bad at math.
We celebrate everything.
Watch out for the goat.
Anyway, second place went to The Huntsman: Winter’s War. It’s, like, Thor ditched the Twilight girl, and Twilight sucks. That so-called saga is one thing we don’t celebrate, man.
Dude, I told you to watch out for the goat.
Anyway, third place falls to a new release, Keanu. That movie got $9.3 million. I woulda gone, but I spent the last of my money hiring that birthday clown. You know, that really scared guy in the corner. He thought he was coming to some kid’s thing! Hahahahaha!
And in fourth place was…Mother’s Day? What the @&#* is Mother’s Day? Is that a thing that exists? How did it make…lemme see my notes…$8.3 million?!? That does it. The one thing we do more than party is rumble. I’m gonna bash a skull in for that travesty to the cinematic arts earning so much. That Batman V Superman thing was bad enough!
Now, before I tell you that the Barbershop sequel got fifth place and $6.1 million, I would advice you to take cover because I just found my special bat. I call her “Lucile”.
And that’s when I ran out of there.