Virgin Vampire: Revelations (S3E7)

In every generation there is a Chosen One. I alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of  Netflix.  I am the slayer! And these are my chronicles while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer for the first time…. as a 35 year old woman. That’s right – I am a Buffy virgin.

Today we will be talking about Season 3, Episode 7. If you’re (re)watching with me, or even if you’re not, tell me what you thought about this episode in the comments!

For past posts, please reference my Handy-Dandy-Xandy-Guide.

Season 3, Episode 7: Revelations

Remember when wearing a beanie all the time was a thing. Especially ones that proclaimed your own self worth like: Phat, Juicy, or Bomb (just to name a few).

The 90’s kill me.

Welcome back faithful readers to another fun filled episode of Jenny meets Buffy. Today’s episode promises to talk about the impending doom of “The Claw” but will most likely focus (yet again) around Angel. If there’s one thing you can count on, is that I love me some Angel.

But before we get to all the senseless sexual tension, let’s talk about Faith. We haven’t heard from her in a while. Where’ve you been home-slice? Killing vampires? Hanging out at the bronze? Doing wacky teen stuff? Wearing ridiculous beanies? We may never know because apparently Faith comes and goes whenever the network needs. Poor eliza Dushcu. I’m sure when she looked at her contract she then called her agent and said “Really, this is what you got me into? Some half-ass vampire gig? I’m just employed enough that nerd boys everywhere will develop wet dreams about me, but not employed enough to buy and island to get away from them. Thanks.”

Regardless, Faith is here to help Buffy do the night shift, and we’re startled by a British invasion. Mrs. Buttersworth! I mean, Spider Gwen! No, that’s not right – what’s her name?

Ahhh – Gwendolyn Post.  Faith has a new watcher, and Giles looks smitten. I mean, brits need to stick together, right? Why is is that all the “watchers” thus far are from England. Is there some secret rule that you must come from the mothership mother land in order to “watch” people. That seems creepy. Why you brits gotta be creepin’?

You know, every time I think of England, I think of Russell Peters making fun of it:

Moving right along, we find out that Faith doesn’t want a new watcher.  Faith is perfectly fine doing things by herself, with herself, one hand only, that kind of thing. She doesn’t need anyone to watch her, let alone a British lady who apparently likes to make Gile’s life a living hell. If it’s not shocking that we have a lady from England claiming to be Fiath’s new boss, but she has to proceed to tell Giles his library is too small. Giles is sensitive about the size of his library. And we note that Giles feels inadequate. Don’t worry Giles. Size isn’t everything. We all know it’s HOW you use the library that matters.

Faith may have a new watcher, but who’s watching the Watchmen? – wait – wrong geek property. I meant, who’s watching Buffy? Where did she go?

I’ll tell you where she went. Straight into the arms of an Angel. *Cue song*

“It don’t make no difference, escaping one last time, it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees….in the arms of the angel fly away, from here…”

Ahhhh Sarah McLachlan, you totally swept me away back in the 90’s. Every school dance, or late night alone was spent with you singing sweet promises of true love and eternal happiness, sadness, loneliness, and every other emotion under the sun. You siren you!

We all in the mood now? You ready for it? Because her comes more Tai Chi! Turn the song on if you need a warm up.

More Tai Chi! OMG! More shirt off! More glistening! I love it. And ooooooooh, look, there is a fire in the background. Setting the mood, I like it!

And now they are holding each other.

It’s so perfect.

And wait for it…. sexual tension is rising…. and they almost kiss! But wait! No! Buffy runs away!  OH-EM-GEE Buffy! What is your problem? You have a strapping super old young man in front of you – take advantage of the situation. This “I can’t do this” tension is driving me crazy. And I’m pretty sure it’s driving Angel crazy too.

Angel asks what they are doing. And Buffy replies “training.” Training? Training for what? The “see how crazy we can make each other by not doing anything” Olympics? She says they need to quit each other, and that cold turkey is the key to quitting. Angel doesn’t buy it, and ask’s Buffy to leave (most likely to take care of the thunder from down under) because he looks like he’s about to jump her bones.  My guess is that he has this image in his head.

Do vampires get blue balls? Gosh. I wonder?

Snap out of it Jenny. Seriously, I don’t know who’s side I’m on right now. While I understand the predicament their relationship entails, you know, the whole vampire vs. human thing. There’s also the “you’re only 18 Buffy” voice that’s in my head. I mean – why rush things when 18 is seriously soooooooo young. Never mind the fact that Buffy and Angel (really it’s Angel) are in danger if he ever reaches a blissful state again. I mean – that must suck. Too bad for you Angel. You’re going to have to brood your whole life because if you ever have one moment of happiness, then the whole world is doomed. That would cause to me drink. Speaking of – why is Angel hiding out in Castle Le Doom? Why doesn’t he go out? Get a drink – release some tension. Geeze-louise.

So, in the thick of all this tension between Buffy and Angel, the scooby-gang finds out that Angel is alive. Remember – Buffy hasn’t told anyone about him yet. So this is a big secret – or not.

Because unbeknowst to Buffy, the scooby-gang would like to have an intervention about Angel. Xander was sneaking around one night, and followed Buffy to Castle Le Doom, and after seeing her with Angel, he thought it best to tell the whole crew.  They confront Buffy and communicate how worried they are that Angel might turn back into Angelus (aka: Evil Vampire) They are worried that angel is going to turn back into Angelus.  Buffy wants to ensure Angel is different, but I don’t know if she really believes what she is saying. Giles comes down hard on buffy for not telling him. He says she has no respect for him because he was tortured by angel, nor her friends, nor the slayer duties. And I don’t necessarily disagree.

The adult in me says: Buffy, listen, maybe you call it quits and play it safe.

The teenage in me says: Screw those guys, you do you Buff!

But we don’t have time for any more Angel vs. Buffy because we come to find out that Faith’s new “watcher” is actually not a “watcher” at all. She’s a power hungry harlot looking to obtain a demon infused claw.

This whole segment reminded me of Inspector Gadget’s “THE CLAW”:

Here’s the skinny. Apparently anyone wearing said claw draws powers from all the evil in the world and can use it to zap people. Simple as that. The only catch is that once you put the claw on, you’ll never be able to take it off. No refunds. No collecting $200. Straight to “claw” jail for the rest of your life.

And Mrs. Buttersworth, I mean, Gwendolyn Post could give two shits. She wants the power, and that’s all she cares about. Unfortunately for her – there are two Slayers in the vicinity that make her reign of terror last all but a few minutes.

And that’s how the episode ends. Good job Faith/Buffy dynamic duo. Good job. Another weirdo slain, and another mess of emotions to try and clean up while at your locker the next day. I guess we’ll have to wait to see what happens with all of that. So many unanswered questions…. like what’s going on with Willow and Xander? Or, will Buffy really break things off with Angel? Does Giles need to invest in a bigger library? Unfortunately, all of this will have to wait.

Until next time – keep on slaying Buffy fans!