Virgin Vampire: Band Candy (S3E6)

In every generation there is a Chosen One. I alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of  Netflix.  I am the slayer! And these are my chronicles while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer for the first time…. as a 35 year old woman. That’s right – I am a Buffy virgin.

Today we will be talking about Season 3, Episode 6. If you’re (re)watching with me, tell me what you thought about this episode in the comments!

For past posts, please reference my Handy-Dandy-Xandy-Guide.

Season 3, Episode 6: Band Candy

How come all vampires know karate? This is a general question I would like to propose to the universe? Please, someone tell me why this is a phenomenon?

So here we are – post the “Willow & Xander Incident.” An episode where I expect to get some explanation on what our two secret love birds are going to do. A chance for us to make some real headway by finally getting rid of Blah-Cordelia. An exposé for true love to triumph!

And what do we get?

Footsies.

Yes. Footsies. Grrrrrrrr. This is not where I thought this was going. There is one small short scene with Willow and Xander talking to each other in class about how the adults are starting to act weird at school (more on that later), and under the table we get to see them playing footsie with each other. *sigh* – I was hoping for more than just foot-pong. Yawn.

In the meantime, over at “Castle Le Doom” we get to see Angel doing yoga with his shirt off. Yummy. Sweaty. Yummy. Wait, is that Tai Chi? Who cares – he’s glistening. Which is different from Twilight “sparkling” … glistening is much sexier. And muskier. Is musk a good thing? I don’t even know what I’m typing any more. Words…. sentences… something….

*Slap myself in the face*

Okay – I’m back. I snapped out of it. But Angel doing Tai Chi. Oh my.

And right when things were getting awkward in my own house, we see a little sexual tension between Buffy and Angel as well… right on cue.

Angel eventually asks Buffy about Scott, and she is honest with him about how she was dumped. Oddly enough, we see no emotion from Angel when Buffy tells him this news.  The scene ends with her giving him his morning blood juice.

And that’s it – that’s all we get of the Xander, Willow, Cordelia, Buffy and Angel romance pentagon of doom. Which is fine because the scooby gang is asked to sell Band Candy.

Band Candy?

Yes. Band Candy. Because apparently everyone in Sunnydale supports the band.

That we’ve never seen.

Nor heard.

Ok – so this should be a real simple summary – you see, all the adults start eating some demon possessed candy that makes the whole town act like teenagers. This means that all the adults stop giving a shit about real life and go buck-wild! We see them dancing with no clothes on, drinking heavily, making out with strangers in dark corners – you know – like a NASCAR convention.

The best (and only redeeming) part of this whole episode is seeing Giles as a born again greaser. It’s fantastic. He’s smoking, he’s having sex with Joyce (yes, that happened), he’s fighting cops, he’s breaking the law…breaking the law! He’s our very own Pony Boy! And I love it. Giles as a 1950’s greaser is awesome!

And after all this ruckus, we find out that the whole reason why there is demon possessed band candy in the first place, was so the vampires could have a night off of feeding on humans to make a sacrifice to a giant sewer snake.

I’m not making that up.

Examine exhibit A: giant sewer snake.

Eventually Buffy is able to take it down with a simple Macgyver move and torches the whole thing in an evil reign of fire. But it wasn’t before she spent most of her time trying to expunge the vampires who summoned it in the first place.

Where the hell are the Ninja Turtles when you need them? I mean – Donnie, Leo, Raph, or Mikey could totally take out this demon snake with a simple karate chop.

Speaking of Karate – why DO all vampires know karate? I still don’t get it.

Until next time – keep on slaying Buffy fans!