In every generation there is a Chosen One. I alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of  Netflix.  I am the slayer! And these are my chronicles while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer for the first time…. as a 35 year old woman. That’s right – I am a Buffy virgin.

Today we will be talking about Season 3, Episode 1. If you’re watching with me, tell me what you thought about this episode in the comments!

Introduction:

If you happened to have read my first and second post about not being a Buffy The Vampire Fan, then you would know that my lack of Buffiness was solely based on not watching the show in it’s prime. And since I have a new group of very awesome geeky girlfriends, it has come to my attention that this “blind spot” just won’t do. I’ve heard so much about this show, and it hasn’t been until now that I have ever watched a single solitary episode. Join me on my journey as I review from here on out episode by episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Spoiler alert. I shouldn’t have to say it, but you’ve been warned. Come on people, this is a show from the 90’s… I’m the only one spoilers apply to anymore. It’s sad. But it’s true.

Season 3, Episode 1: Anne

Ooooooookaaaay! Here we go – the first episode in Season 3, I can hardly wait to see what happens. And I’m excited because, the last thing I saw was buffy killing Angel and subsequently getting on a bus to nowhere.

And I was sad. And Angry. And had all the feels – so Season 3 opener better be good!

So how does the season start? With a vamp crawling out of a grave, and the left over scooby gang trying to kill him. Poorly. If you could hear a “Waaaah-Waaaaah” trumpet right now, that’s what would be playing the back ground. Boo! Hiss! Show me what happened to Buffy!

Well, at least we see that there are changes, immediately I notice that Willow has short hair! It’s obvious Buffy is still gone since Xander, Willow, Oz, and blaaaaaaaaaah Cordelia are all trying to kill vampires in her absence. It’s good to see that Oz is considered part of the group, he’s literally the “Scooby” of the Scooby gang, since he’s a werewolf. Get it? He’s a dog. Woof woof.

Thankfully this clown act doesn’t go on for very long, and we cut to Buffy on a beach, Yeooowzers!!! Hello Buffy! Damn guuuurl – Why you gotta look so sexy? I see she’s doing some sultry walk in the sand and….  wait a minute.  WTF???? Angel is there too? No, this is a dream. It’s daylight. This has to be a dream.

DAMN IT. Yep, it’s a dream. Cut scene to Buffy waking up in Gotham city. Scary. With hookers, and bums, and wait, is that Batman? Nope, another bum. Wow – she really did well for herself when she got on that bus. Took her right to paradise, didn’t it?

Side note: Oh, they updated the intro music! YAY!

Back to regular rambling: OMG, Buffy is a waitress with pippy braids.

So the story starts off where we finally see Buffy on her own working as a waitress in some random diner, where the men look and smell like pedophiles, and the teenagers are broke and stupid. Yay America! Can I stop there for just a minute? Did we still have diners like that in the late 90’s? Isn’t that what we call a Waffle House? Anyway, poor Buffy is in a fake Waffle House and we get a feel for the “hardship” that she has had to deal with on her own. She lives alone, she eats Spaghettio’s alone, she walks on scary Gotham streets alone. She is Batman She is alone. Got it.

Meanwhile back at Bayside High, Zach, Kelly, and AC Slater the scooby gang is excited for their first day of school where they all meet back up to discuss their summer activities – because apparently in this world no one hangs out during the summer? To quote Claire from Clueless: “AS IF!” What a crappy town. Anyway, we hear a little about Oz coming back and repeating a grade (really? I never knew he dropped out.) And of course the most nauseating of all = Xander and Cordelia. God help me. I want this to end. Blah. I don’t even want to waste time on them, because reasons.

And HOLY HELL MOUTH! Why is everyone still meeting up at the library? Sigh. Did we not learn ANYTHING from the past two years people? Aren’t all of you Seniors? Don’t you have a better place that Seniors hang out? Jesus – anything other than the damn library! Why am I still shouting?

Take a deep breath. In….and….out.

Phew.

Who knew the library would bother me so much? Okay – I’m better (but not really… we’ll just move on.)

Soon we realize that out of the whole gang, Giles is the only one still looking for Buffy. Good luck Giles! Good man. And shame on everyone else for giving up. I mean – out of sight, out of mind, right? What terrible friends. They should all be fired. Actually, I have a good idea, let’s feed Cordelia the the vampires, she goes first for being worthless. Then Willow an Xander can battle it out WWE style for whoever goes next. I’ll say it again, what terrible friends.

Back in Gotham City we find out that Buffy is beginning to think her situation is not the best. She is being harassed by “straight edge Steve” with fliers for a half-way house (his actual name is Ken, but Steve is cool too). And then comes along weird tattoo girl who knows Buffy’s real name, and just happens to be one of the vampire lovers from Season 1? Season 2? Season before this episode. And wow! She’s really tall! We shall call her: Chantrall. Sister Sunshine. Lilly. Why does this character have 3 names?

Before long we follow Buffy and Lilly on an adventure that has them cross paths with Steve again. I mean Ken. Creepy flyer guy. This guy.

Like eeeew. So Eeeeww! Like Jimmy Fallon “Eeeew Bit” eeew! Creepy Ken guy is super creepy.

Next thing we know is that Buffy and Lilly are following “Ew Creepy Ken Guy” back to his secret half-way house liar. Which is never a good idea, but you know – teenagers.

Once they finally get to Ken’s place, things start to get a little weird. Not sexual weird, just black tar ooze weird. There is literally tar in a pool, in the ground, inside some house. WTF? Next thing we know Lilly is being sucked into the black lagoon. Well – not THE Black Lagoon, but the black tar substance in that indoor pool type enclosure. And wouldn’t you know it, Buffy falls in too! And then Ken! Damn. What is that tar crap? Because – oh god…

Ken turns into a…. Whoa, what is he? A weird demon man? SKELETOR! With a crazy Temple of doom base below the tar!? And tons of other Temple of Doom prisoners. And now scary temple of doom music is playing! Holy banana pants this is awesome – do they even know who they are pandering to?

I LOVE TEMPLE OF DOOM!

So, unfortunately our blonde duo gets locked up and Demon/Skeletor/Ken tells them that they are in some kind of time hole? It’s not hell, it’s not earth, it’s not space. It’s Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom time hole. Magical tar sold separately. But seriously, apparently they are in another dimension where time moves slower than where they are on earth. So 20 mins in Temple of Doom time hole = 2 years on earth, right? They never explain the time difference, just that there is one. So this should be interesting. Honestly, I wonder how many days are passing while Buffy is in that prison cell? We don’t have to wait long because Buffy gets to doing what she does best

KICKING ASS!

I now present to you: Escape From The Temple Of Doom! (I hope there is an old mineshaft cart ride ahead. Please, please please!) Buffy definitely knows her way around a Doom dimension, because she wastes no time with a prison break! Go! Who are these demon men? It’s like she’s fighting an army of the Red Skulls. Just not red. Hail Hydra!

So all in all Buffy and Lilly escape with all the other prisoners in the Doom Dimension, but before they completely escape we see Buffy lift an entire iron gate.  I bet the wildling ice giants from Game of Thrones would have loved to have used her skills back when they attacked Castle Black. Such is life. Oh well!

Back through the black goo our heroines go, and now it’s 2015! Ha! just kidding, but shouldn’t time have passed by? Didn’t Ken/Skeletor/Demon/Red Skull imposter say that time goes by faster above than it did below? What year is it? Why won’t they tell me? TELL ME! What day/time is Buffy in!? OMG – did her friends grow old and die? Is Cordelia really gone!? I’m getting buffyflies (like butterflies, but more vampy). OMG – why won’t they address this?

The last thing we see is Buffy giving Lilly her old apartment, old restaurant uniform, and some good old advice. Awwww, life moments. Take care of yourself Lilly, it takes practice. And thus Lilly becomes Anne. Good times. But before everything is said and done, we see Buffy go home to see her mom.

Next thing we know, they’re hugging it out – but HOLD-ON-ONE-DAMN-MINUTE! How much time as passed!? Damn it! Yes, I’m still stuck on this. Is this something that they are going to sweep under the rug? Like – just kidding, we didn’t know why we had Red Skull say that. We were totally kidding folks! But come on, couldn’t they give me something? Has it been days? Months? Years? WTF! You don’t just say you’ve been in another dimensional time hole and not address it. Does Joyce even remember Buffy?

SO MANY QUESTIONS! And yet, no answers. Sneaky bastards. They got me to slay Season 3: Episode 1, but now I’m on the hook to find out what’s happened while Buffy was gone.

Join me next time when we slay Season 3: Episode 2.