I am a very forgiving movie grader. I even enjoy most movies people consider bad because I can find something fun in them. But Godzilla: King of the Monsters is beyond bad–it’s the kind of movie that makes me angry. This is an easy win. Get giant monsters together. Have them fight. That’s it. And yet, the latest Godzilla movie manages to spoil just about everything. Full details after the spoiler break if you actually care. You should not care.
[SPOILERS BUT STILL NOT AS BAD AS THE MOVIE ITSELF]
Here we go.
- One of the biggest essential elements of a movie script is to show, not tell. I lost track how many times this script broke that rule. We’re told things by main characters that not only could have been learned organically, but it also made no sense at all for the character to tell someone that. Eleven (she had another name but who cares) has a father who had a drinking problem years ago after Godzilla attacked San Francisco and killed his son. We know this because he tells someone he just met. You know, like one does.
- I also lost count of how many dramatic lines were utter bullshit. There’s a top secret Senate briefing about all the monsters in the world. The main scientist gets a text message that makes him leave the briefing. The chair of the Senate committee loudly yells “You are aware of the consequences if you leave this briefing, right?” He leaves. There are no consequences. Later, when Godzilla has to fight Ghidora, Eleven’s dad dramatically says how “This time, we’ll join the fight!” We do not join the fight.
- Tywin Lannister may have died shitting on the toilet but even he rests easily knowing the actor who portrayed him had to play such a ludicrous role as an elite military ecoterrorist who swings from wanting to save humanity to killing every human he meets.
- One of the scientists who studies the titans (monsters) is in charge of researching myths and history. When Ghidora, the three headed hydra that is Godzilla’s main rival, is discovered she says there’s no mention of it in all of history. “It’s as if people were afraid to write about him,” she says. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Here, go to the dictionary and look up the definition of the word “xgfjaskeiuf.” What’s that, there’s no definition? It’s like the dictionary writers were afraid of that word…
- Oh but just kidding. Five minutes after she talks about history having no mention of Ghidora, something she’s an expert on since she’s spent her whole life researching titans in history, she totally finds tons of shit about Ghidora. Maybe she forgot to include the silent “h” in his name.
- And part of all the material she found reveals that Ghidora is actually an alien. This makes him more than a monster, he’s a foreign monster. That’s right–the only way to make a monster truly evil is to make him an illegal immigrant monster. Is cinema great again yet?
- After Ghidora is revealed to be an alien, nobody talks about this ever again. Ever.
- A giant underwater city is found. As the scientists look at the writing, which they do not understand, they immediately pronounce it to be much older than ancient Egypt or the Romans. As one does. And I won’t even get into the fact that this giant city is centered around a nuclear power source that kills people in minutes from exposure. Why bother?
- Sally Hawkins plays a scientist in this movie. You may remember her from The Shape of Water where she fucked a merman. So she must have a good role, right? The only thing she does in this movie is hand a phone to Ken Watanabe. I’m not kidding.
Score: 0 out of 10 JUST GIVE US A SIMPLE STORY THAT MAKES SENSE AND LET THE MONSTERS FIGHT!!!