Well, there’s stuff happening on That Asshole Floki’s Island of Misfit Vikings, but nothing I care about involving any character not given a snappy nickname by me is even remotely interesting, so let’s skip that plot line until something worth while comes up.
So, if you’re like me and I know I am, you’re probably wondering why Harald, a man who is nearly King of Norway, is hanging around Kattegat in what is presumably territory he wants for himself while Ivar’s gonna Ivar. Well, that’s a good thing to wonder because this episode involves him packing up and leaving, only to go find some subordinate Jarl under Ivar and offer him two things to do. First, they’re gonna raid Wessex. There’s a new king there. Some kid. Should be easy. Then they can come back and dethrone Ivar.
By the by, considering Alfred looks about as dangerous as a wet sponge, that’s a pretty good assessment.
Ivar, meanwhile, figures that since he’s impotent and he impregnated his new wife, the latest in a long line of viking women who look really good for this time period, he must be a god. Sure, the wife actually got some slave to donate the sperm, and that guy was quietly murdered to keep him from talking, but…
Yeah, it means Ivar wants to conduct a sacrifice. A human kind. And since he’s a god, he can pick the victim. Why not? It has to be someone important, too. It can’t be just anybody.
Could it be his personality-free brother Hvitserk? He’s upset Ivar had Crazy Margrethe murdered. He’s more or less the only character left in Kattegat that we might recognize. It’s Hvitserk, right?
Nope! It’s Eyeless Seer Dude! Haven’t seen him in a while. Of course, he hasn’t been sacrificed yet before the closing credits start rolling, so he might get out of this as long as Ivar sees reason and…yeah, I couldn’t finish that thought either.
Speaking of crazy stuff, over in Wessex, Heahmund gets his old job back despite murdering a bishop in a church. What did he do? He claimed the dead bishop was part of some conspiracy to dethrone Alfred since Alfred was doing things to take power from the church. That sounds like something Heahmund can make up, or something that might be true. It looks true considering Alfred’s brother–you know, the guy who actually was descended from Ecbert–says he’s engaged to the dead bishop’s daughter and he goes to a meeting with a bunch of guys in a basement for…some reason.
Point is, as a bishop, Heahmund can both officiate for Alfred’s wedding and baptize Ubbe and Torvi to the general distaste of Bjorn.
Man, Bjorn sure is cranky these days. He did make a new friend: Magnus, a young man who believes he is the son of Ragnar and the woman I called Queen Crazypants. Now, it wasn’t right for Ecbert to toss Magnus to the wolves after Ragnar basically laughed at the idea he had a son by a woman I don’t think he ever slept with, but Magnus still thinks he’s Ragnar’s son and Bjorn seems to believe the guy.
All this leads to a very important question: are they actually going somewhere with all this?
This is what happens when a Magic 8-Ball is a script consultant from the looks of things!