Simpsons Did It!: “There Will Be Buds”

Hey, it looks like Springfield still has that peewee football team!

Not for much longer.

Yes, during the season opener, someone pumped too much fog out of the fog machine, causing all the kids to keep running into each other.  Sure, no one seemed hurt, but that didn’t stop every panicky mother in Springfield to rush her son to the hospital to check for concussions, often causing more head trauma as they all tried to jam their kids into an MRI machine at the same time.

So, without football, the town needs something, and various sports suggestions are awful.  Kirk VanHouten has something in a duffle bag, but even Luann is treating him poorly, so Marge suggests Homer use his obnoxiousness to get Kirk noticed.  Homer reluctantly does so, calling Kirk “buddy” in the process.  That causes Kirk to feel good at finally having a friend, and the thing in the duffle bag turns out to be Milhouse.  Kirk has been training Milhouse to play lacrosse, and Kirk says it has all the benefits of football while getting as much attention as hockey and soccer in the United States (translation:  none).  And sure, Dr. Hibbert does point out that lacrosse has the second highest concussion rate after football, but that just means it is better than football.  Kirk is named coach, but he will only do it if his new buddy Homer is his assistant coach, the guy who can slice orange slices and complain nonstop.

Hearing Kirk call him a buddy fills Homer with dread.

But Homer goes along with it, and it turns out Kirk is a great coach.  It seems in his college days, Kirk was a fantastic player until he broke his wrist in a high five accident.  All the kids in Springfield, including Bart and Lisa, are having fun and winning games.  If only Homer didn’t have to spend time with Kirk, a man who thinks a mix CD can contain only different live versions of the same song, who holds court on the difference between whiskey and bourbon, who needs a white noise machine simulating the sounds of the womb to sleep, and who has a special app to find the best strip clubs.

Homer actually has no interest in strippers.  Good for him.

But after a long weekend, Homer sings a song about what a loser Kirk is while Kirk sings a song about how awesome it is to have a friend.  And Kirk overhears Homer.

That’s just before the big championship, and while Homer may not care about Kirk’s feelings, he does like the fact lacrosse made both his older kids happy.  And when he hears Luann say Kirk took out the family’s savings in one dollar bills, he knows where Kirk went.  Sure, all the men in Springfield seem to want to go along, but Homer goes alone and finds Kirk in the fanciest place possible…holding court with women who listen since he has money.  He didn’t want anything else but people to listen to him.  And while Homer won’t say he likes Kirk, he does respect him, and Kirk knows you can’t buy respect.

So, with the help of the strippers and their helicopter, one Dr. Hibbert says he has never used even when he recognizes it, Kirk gets back in time for the game and the kids of Springfield win.

Now if only Homer hadn’t gone for that high five and broke both his and Kirk’s wrists, then they wouldn’t be stuck in the same hospital room.


Defender of the faith, contributing writer, debonair man-about-town.

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