Simpsons Did It!: “The Changing Of The Guardians”

Am I still amused by The Simpsons at this point?  We’re coming up on nearly two years’ worth of this column, and…

I have wasted my life.

It’s family game night, but mostly that’s an excuse to hide from a bad storm.  The bad storm soon becomes a bad tornado, and when Santa’s Little Helper is getting blown away, Homer rushes out to save the family dog.  He fails.

Don’t worry.  The dog isn’t dead.  Sheesh.

Fortunately, Lenny and Carl show up as they have just taken up storm chasing and even managed to get a lot of equipment from another storm chaser’s widow.

Don’t worry again.  The guy died of a heart attack…as a tornado carried him away.  OK, worry a little.

But since Homer sees no harm in going to check storms for the dog, Marge insists on going too because, well, Homer, Lenny, and Carl are even as a group not very bright.  And they do find Santa’s Little Helper without a major scratch on him.

That the front of the First Bank of Springfield falls on Homer and Marge and traps them inside a revolving door is another problem.  They’re mostly OK, aside from the shower of broken glass that will eventually hit them in the face when the glass cutter guy eventually cuts the glass.

But this spooks Marge into thinking the family needs a plan in case something happens so someone can raise the children.  Who will it be?  Grampa?  Nah, he proved to do a lousy job with Homer.  How about Homer’s rich half-brother Herb?  Hey, it’s Danny DeVito again!  Oh, just one line as Homer gets his voicemail to learn Herb is poor again.  I guess no one did want those baby translators after all.  What about Patty and Selma?  They seem to be doing a good job with Ling.  Oh, they’re tiger parenting and forcing this small child to perform many difficult artistic tasks without praise.  Yeah, they suck.  Someone outside the family?  Kirk and Luann VanHouten?  They start arguing while Homer and Marge are still there.  Cletus and Brandine?  They have 17 mouths to feed already and anyone else who comes in just goes in the soup pot with the mailman…now that’s a dark joke.  Julio and his boyfriend?  Er, not with their recreational activities involving diaper-clad US Marines.

By this point, everyone in town knows what the Simpsons are doing and start avoiding Homer and Marge on the street.

So, the only thing left to do is go drive way out of town, near a beach somewhere, and get some strangers.  This time, that means taking the kids along.  The first couple seems promising until the wife mentions they’re from the Mid-Atlantic region, and that’s where they filmed The Wire.  But then Bart meets a professional surfer named Mav who does awesome things on a board or a dolphin’s back, and his wife Portia (guest star Rashida Jones) is an environmental lawyer who fights to get old blues musicians’ music back on the side, which enamors Lisa.  And hey, the two of them turn out to like the kids, so contracts are drawn up and Grampa makes a fine notary.

Yes, even with Mav and Portia taking the kids away for the weekend to get to know them better…wait, why is there a photo of Mav, Portia, and the Simpson children in the photography shop window labeled “our family”?

My god, they are trying to steal the children.

That doesn’t work when Homer and Marge eventually get to their ski house and the kids want to go home with their parents, where Bart is strangled that very night.

Blood is thicker than water apparently.

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