Simpsons Did It!: “The Real Housewives Of Fat Tony”

It sure would be hard to keep track of Fat Tony’s family, but then I remembered this is the second Fat Tony, formerly Fit Tony.  So, yeah, not so confusing now.

He’s still voiced by Joe Mantegna.

Homer, Bart, and Lisa are in line at the DMV.  It’s a long line, and there’s an arcade across the street.  Homer goes over there and attends what is apparently Milhouse’s birthday while Bart and Lisa hold his spot, and when they get to the front, the kids refuse to give it back to Homer and instead set up a bidding war for the front of the line.

It goes to the lowest bidder, namely Fat Tony with a lollypop.  At least the kids got that much.

But then the most unexpected thing happens.  Selma is at the counter and she treats the head of the Springfield mafia exactly like she does everybody else:  badly.

That’s good enough for a kidnapping, but she shows no fear when Fat Tony asks her what body part she wants cut off.  She chooses all the fat she’d like liposuctioned.

Hey, a deal’s a deal.

And then, once she’s thin, the two fall in love.  It’s, like, Homer has to be nice to Selma and by extension Patty after that.

Especially since, with Fat Tony footing the bill, Selma is looking better than she ever has in her life, and soon the two are getting married in a traditional Italian ceremony where the Simpsons sit at the most distant table at the reception, because apparently Selma thinks Homer is embarrassing.  Homer’s actually on his best behavior, especially noteworthy since he’s mad about a sporting event lose, namely a very old baseball game from ESPN classic.

That means Marge and Selma are now fighting, while Homer and Fat Tony want them to make up and go out to Fat Tony’s place on the Jersey Shore, setting up dated references to Jersey Shore, that awful MTV show.

Where are Bart and Lisa during all this?  Bart can sniff out truffles better than what looks like Plopper the pig, and that is all I will say about that.

But now Marge and Selma seem to be getting along, partly because Selma admits she was jealous of Marge being happy in a relationship, though the only husband of Selma’s Marge liked was Disco Stu.  Things seem to be going well until she hears Fat Tony say he’s out to see his goomar, which apparently is mob talk for “girlfriend”.  Confronting Selma, Marge convinces Selma to leave with her and Homer the next day.

And they would too, except the truth comes out.  Fat Tony does have a goomar.  It’s Selma.  Fat Tony’s wife then shows up with a bigger ring and a bigger attitude, and she and Selma fight right after Selma tells Marge not to let her get married again.  It never works out.

Well, it works out for Homer and Marge.  Not sure I’d want to have sex in a tanning bed, but take that up with the state of New Jersey.

Wait, that’s where I came from!  OK, I’ll take it up.  Ask me again some other time.

Some things need thought.

This write-up ended badly.

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