Simpsons Did It!: “Stealing First Base”

We have a rare Nelson subplot here, one that doesn’t deal with any members of the Simpson family.  He takes a blind boy under his wing, sort of, and by the end of the episode, the boy has manages to out-Nelson Nelson.

That is all I am going to say about that.

Mrs. Krabappel is out for a bit, and rather than get a substitute or even teach the class himself, Principal Skinner simply has Bart’s class temporarily merge with the other fourth grade class, one that’s taught by the woman who looks like the third grade teacher.

Wait, there’s another fourth grade class?  How big is this school anyhow?!

Well, never mind.  The kids have to share desks, and as last one in, Bart gets to share a desk with a girl named Nikki (guest star Sarah Silverman).  At first, Bart is miserable, but then he makes Nikki laugh at some of his antics.  Hey, maybe she ain’t so bad!  Bart is smitten…

You know, Bart’s been smitten a lot, and always by girls voiced by guest stars.  Here’s where I’d normally put in a hyperlink to a past Simpsons write-up, but there seems to be a lot of episodes that could fit that criteria, and I’m way to lazy to look for all of them.  Just pick one at random from this page and you might get lucky.

But you’d think Bart would know what to do in a situation like this, but noooooooo.  He goes to Homer for advice, but Homer is hiding from Marge or avoiding work or something, so he tries Grampa.  Grampa says Bart should just steal a kiss, which was much more acceptable in Grampa’s youth.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  I mean, when Marge hears about this later and asks Grampa if Bart should have just dragged the girl off by the hair to his cave, Grampa calls that “second base,” so he might just be thinking of some old cartoon.

So, does Bart take Grampa’s advice?  After some impressive mutual skateboarding, yes he does.  And Nikki is horrified that Bart Simpson is her first kiss.

That leads to Homer and Marge being called to Skinner’s office to talk to Nikki’s parents.  Her mom is an attorney.  Her dad is a federal prosecutor.  Both of them are unhappy.  Homer suggests they get easier jobs.  They threaten to sue the school for it’s last dime.  Skinner holds it out.

While this is going on, Lisa fails a test.  Badly.  But it’s temporary when Miss Hoover realizes the really bad grade was for Ralph, who’d copied the wrong information off Lisa’s test.  Basically, he copied Lisa’s name and not her answers.  Lisa got an A+++ and now everyone is taunting her as an overachiever.  She’s distraught enough to post about it on her organic gardening blog (yes, she has one) but gets an encouraging note from someone online called “FLOTUS1”.

So, with Bart in trouble, Superintendent Chalmers has no choice but to establish a no touching rule.  That means putting on a play where Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner are playing a little girl and Bart, respectively, and are forced to kiss.  That amuses a lot of people who aren’t adults.  But as Bart sees everyone avoiding everyone else, Nikki pops out of his locker and kisses him.  Huh?

Now, the Lisa thing ends when FLOTUS1 is revealed to be Michelle Obama (not actually Michelle Obama, but actually guest star Angela Bassett).  She was an overachiever too, and we should all be nice to such people like Lisa, Martin Prince, and Allison Taylor.

I haven’t done this in a while, though Bart never fell for the character voiced once by this guest star. That’s one!

So, Lisa’s going to be OK.  Bart sees this from the roof and tells Nikki he can’t wait to see how people react when they learn Nikki is now Bart’s girlfriend.  She objects to that, Bart gets confused, and then he falls off the roof.   The “no touching” rule means no one will touch Bart until Nikki shows up to give him CPR, and the breaths remind Bart of famous movie kisses.  From Here to Eternity?  Obviously.  Gone with the Wind?  Of course.  The Quiet Man?  Not sure when Bart saw some of these movies…  WALL*E?  That seems age-appropriate I guess.  The Godfather Part II?  OK, different kind of kiss there.  Alien3?  Now hold on a second there!

Point is, Bart wakes up, the no touching rule is abolished, and Nikki confuses Bart to no end.  So, really, she can disappear into the crowd and Bart can have a new crush on another girl in some future episode voiced by a different guest star.

Let’s hope the next one treats him better.


Defender of the faith, contributing writer, debonair man-about-town.

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