Simpsons Did It!: “The Seemingly Never-Ending Story”

The Simpsons on occasion will toss a more vintage cartoon character into a gag just because.  That happens here when voice actor/impressionist Maurice LaMarche voices Commander McBragg.  Don’t know who he is?  Look him up.  I don’t have time to explain everything.

The Simpsons are going for a walk through Carl’s Dad’s caverns.  Yeah, lame pun.  Anyway, Homer is so impressed by a giant stalactite that he decides to chip a small piece off for a souvenir.

You know, you really shouldn’t do that, like, ever.

Especially if the chipping causes the whole giant thing to collapse, creating a hole that sucks you and your entire family down to a lower, unmapped section of the caves, and then you do like Homer and get your fat ass stuck in the hole and can’t get out.

Now it’s time for The Simpsons to go all Cloud Atlas on our collective asses (I mentioned “ass” again…must be an obsession), where Lisa tells a story that leads to another story and so forth.  What happened?


While walking through the woods, Lisa is attacked by a big-horn sheep that chases her to Mr. Burns’ mansion.  Burns lets her in and the sheep proceeds to chase both of them through the halls until Burns gets them both into the attic and barricades the attic to keep the seemingly insane sheep from killing both of them.  Lisa finds a photo of Burns where he is the Employee of the Month at Moe’s.  How did that happen?  Burns takes over the story…


While spending the day at a exclusive club for rich jerks, new member the Rich Texan rubs Burns the wrong way and go on a scavenger hunt to see who was the better rich guy.  Both men manage to get everything on the list except Burns cannot get a photo of himself with a smiling child.  Apparently, he’s too hideous and frightening.  Burns gives all his worldly good to the Texan and has to claw his way up from rock bottom, which means he has to work as Moe’s Bar Boy and take abuse from the likes of Lenny, Carl, and Homer.  Then one day while Moe is out, Burns finds a note Moe left behind in the event of his death.  Burns, of course, reads the note…


Moe was in love once with a woman new in Springfield.  How new?  She just got off the bus, looking fresh-faced and happy to be there.  Who was she?  Mrs. Krabappel.  As it is, Edna can’t stand drinkers because of her alcoholic ex-husband.  As a result, Moe lies about his profession, claiming to be a counselor for alcoholics.  The romance goes well, even when he has to shoo away his regulars.  It’s only when he realizes the only way to truly capture Edna’s heart is to move away from Springfield.  To that end, he robs an archaeologist, Snake, of a satchel of Mayan gold coins, but when Edna goes into Springfield Elementary to put in her notice before the school year starts, she meets a poor, upset boy given detention for the whole summer and Edna feels she must give this poor child an education.


That poor boy was Bart.  He didn’t have detention.  He was just acting like a decoy while Nelson was stealing microscopes.


Upset and heartbroken, Moe uses the coins on his jukebox, playing Edna’s favorite song and giving himself a rainy day fund.


Burns, of course, hears this and takes the coins for himself, intending to buy all his stuff back from the Texan.  That might have worked, but the Texan has OCD, so Burns can’t get the power plant back until he gets that photo with a smiling child.


Lisa is a bit touched when the big-horn sheep breaks through and Burns rather uncharacteristically puts himself in the animal’s path to protect Lisa.  Burns, of course, weighs next to nothing and that doesn’t last long, but it turned out the sheep was just looking to return Lisa’s pearl necklace that she had accidentally gotten stuck on a tree and didn’t know it.  Happy that Burns would try to save her life, Lisa takes a photo of herself with the old man, and since she’s smiling, Burns can get the plant back, hitching a ride on the sheep.


So, that’s Lisa’s story.  And Burns’.  And Moe’s.  And even a bit of Bart’s.  That’s the end, right?  Nope.  Homer managed to get loose and reveals his own sordid tale.


Yeah, Homer saw the Texan put the gold coins in the cave and the only reason the he took the family there was to get the coins for himself.


But the Texan followed the family to make sure he kept the coins.  And Burns followed the Texan.  Moe followed both but only brought a bat to a gun fight.  Then Snake rappelled down the side of the cavern to stake his own claim, even bringing his son along since the kid was roughly Bart’s age.  Marge, who actually has the coins, just tosses them down a deep ravine, satisfying everyone except for Burns that the curse of greed has been broken.


Yeah, then we learn the whole thing was a story Bart was telling Principal Skinner to explain why he didn’t have time to study for a test that weekend.  Skinner doesn’t buy it.

Then he sees Edna and Moe making out in front of the school….


Defender of the faith, contributing writer, debonair man-about-town.

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