Back in the early days of Gabbing Geek the articles were plentiful and the podcasts flowed like Romulan Ale. But things change, even to the best of us. There was a time when I had at least a column posted every day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to write a post about Spider-Man.
During this time when the podcast was disappearing and the articles started to wane, the beloved Tom Kelly took a leave of absence. We were told by Human Resources that it was for “personal reasons” and not to pry any further. Tom would return in time.
And he did.
And we didn’t pry. And we didn’t ask. But we did notice he was a changed man.
It took a while and some astute observation, but I finally figured out what Tom did last summer.
For you see, Tom Kelly is now a cyborg.
Oh, you can’t tell by looking at him. He still wears glasses to hide the fact that he now has robotic eyes that allow him to stream information from the internet, straight into his brain about whatever he is looking at.
Tom also used to be a mild mannered reporter and now he takes nothing from no one. Tug on Superman’s cape? He does it now for a past time. Spit in the wind? Please. When he does, the wind suddenly changes from an easterly to a westerly. Pull the mask off the Lone Ranger? He doesn’t need to. The Ranger simply gave it to him along with Tonto (some version that’s not Johnny Depp) and headed off into retirement. You don’t mess around with Tom.
Need more proof? Just look at Tom’s output since he returned from his
billion dollar surgeries hiatus. He goes to every new movie that is released to theatres and writes a review. He has rooms upon rooms in the Gabbing Geek offices filled with comic book trade paperbacks that he “reads” (captures with his photographic optic nerves and files into his positronic brain) and then shares his “thoughts” (output from his summarization subroutine) about each. Also, several authors have asked Tom to just stop reading their novels already as they can’t pump the content out fast enough to keep up with him. (George R. R. Martin still doesn’t give a damn though.)
Not enough? How about the fact that these days Tom is studying us and our culture for weaknesses to exploit by watching every TV show that we’ve ever produced.
This…”man”…is currently watching the entire run of the Simpsons and posting a review of each episode EVERY DAY. He’s currently up to like Season Twenty? We know that’s not possible. No one can watch that many episodes and write that many posts without bleeding from the eyes. And we all know no human has watched the Simpsons since season thirteen. The entire series now is just produced by computers for computers passing along their subtle secret computer agendas.
I hope that when Tom reaches the end of his research, having gotten through all our popular culture, that he will remember that he was once human and spare some of us. One thing is for certain. There will be no stopping him. And I for one will welcome our new cyborg overlord. I’d like to remind him that as a quasi-celebrity**, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in his underground sugar caves.
* No Mr. Snuggleboots were harmed in the writing of this article.
** Jimmy’s no celebrity, quasi or otherwise.