Simpsons Did It!: “Fat Man And Little Boy”

How much dignity does Homer Simpson have?  Would he, for example, retire and live off money Bart was earning while his son was still only ten?

Of course he would.

Bart discovers he has a loose tooth.  It’s his last baby tooth, and school yard legend says the tooth fairy really pays out for that one.  As such, Bart is incredibly excited when he finally gets the sucker out and plops it under his pillow.  And what does the tooth fairy leave him?  A card saying a donation had been made in his name to a charity.  Marge suspects that since Bart is no longer a baby, he should get adult gifts.  Feeling his age, Bart arranges a Viking funeral for his toys, to the general approval of the Sea Captain.

Having a midlife crisis at ten is no good.  Lisa suggests writing something like she does.  Bart won’t write something lame like a novel or play, so instead he takes to writing funny slogans on t-shirts.  And he’s doing well enough he can try selling them.  But Chief Wiggum shuts him down due to the lack of a permit or a bribe.  Bart can’t pay protection to Wiggum and Nelson after all.  The novelty expo might work, but Bart gets shut out by other, louder vendors.  It’s probably for the best.  Apu was walking around that place like a god, and that’s kinda scary.

Bart lucks out when he leaves and gets hit by a car driven by a Willy Wonka-lookin’ dude, one Goose Gladwell.  He owns a chain of novelty stores, twenty of them in thirty states.  Wait, that doesn’t make sense.

He offers to buy Bart’s shirts and pay the lad for the right.  Bart accepts, and now he has money.

He has enough money that when Mr. Burns gets on Homer’s case at the plant, Homer just quits.  He can retire no problem.  There sure were a lot of sassy employees at the plant that day.  I mean, it was Christmas for everyone but Burns.

Homer has no problem living off Bart at first.  But then he gets some ideas that maybe that’s embarrassing, and a documentary by Declan Desmond (guest voice Eric Idle) about lions gets to Homer.  Male lions can be supplanted by a younger lion like Homer was by Bart.  Homer can go hang out with the other older, decrepit lions (like Grampa) or he can care for a youngster (like Lisa).  He chooses Lisa, and the two bond quite a bit.  The annual science fair is coming up, and Lisa is sure she can win with a model depicting the history of nuclear power, at least until Martin shows up to gloat over a robot he just built.

What would Homer do?  He would totally use the Internet and his knowledge of the Nuclear Plant’s (lack of) security to steal some plutonium and build a working reactor.  That doesn’t please Lisa so much as horrify her.  After all, Homer built something that could explode in the wrong hands, and Homer himself has the wrong hands.

So, Lisa can’t be helped with a thermonuclear device built in the basement largely from spare parts.  What about Bart?  Gladwell sold the t-shirt rights to Disney and screwed Bart out of all possible money.  Homer’s passing by with his device and realizes he can be the adult again by threatening Gladwell.  Sure, Gladwell is a weirdo you shouldn’t do business with who got that way after a tour of Vietnam as a Green Beret, but even he will back down to Homer planning to destroy the entire tri-state area.  He’ll also hand over all the money he has and a bunch of free novelties to boot.

Was Homer’s device really dangerous?  That’s for the birds at the dump to find out.

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