In the spirit of joining forces at the Gabbing Geek headquarters, it’s my honor to present to you the G.G. list of Top 10 Female Robots! Robots of the real world don’t do much more than making car parts or a robot vacuum, but these robots are smart, they’re strong, and some are down-right dangerous! Check out who I’ve deemed as the most bad ass of them all. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that these ladies are more than meets the eye.
ROSIE (The Jetsons)
Human Threat Level: 1
Mission: Basic housekeeping and cleaning (you know, for those basic bitches).
Tech-Specs: XB-500, also known as “Rosie” comes equipped wearing a frilly apron, and has a fully functioning hidden vacuum cleaner hidden in her ….oh boy….(for some reason the song “Man Eater” comes to mind.) Anyway, her vacuum-hiding-torso is mounted atop a single leg and rolls about on a set of caster wheels. Some models also include: feather duster, emergency contact of Winston Wolfe, and Clorox Bleach… you know, for those stubborn stains.
Further Fembot Analysis: Rosie is a peach. A sheer delight. Not only is Rosie a caring robot, she also adds charm and wit to any situation. Long are the days for the need of a Stepford Wife, not when you can have your very own house maid cleaning, cooking, and taking care of just about all of your adult duties (because adulting is hard **stamps foot with frowny-face**). But for real, I remember very little of The Jetsons, but what I do remember contains Rosie doting over “Mr. J” and always cleaning up after Astro the dog…because, let’s be honest about Astro…he was more than a dog, oooooh…. much more. Rosie does the best she can for being an older model (don’t we all), and provides much needed support and wisdom. Not only that, but Rosie is nice! And for all the robots out there that that either have attitude, or a vendetta for kill-kill-kill, Rosie is the best friend who’s always there for you, no matter what.
Human Threat Level: 2
Mission: Matron of honor & keeper of virginity for Princess Vespa.
Tech-Specs: Made of pure gold (because why not?), Dot comes fully equipped with lace umbrella, virginity detector, and a proclivity for always running behind and being a nuisance. Some models can be upgraded with Super Vision, but buyer beware, this may or may not help see through oncoming ruses.
Further Fembot Analysis: I remember the first time I saw Spaceballs as a wee lass (say…7 yrs old?), and couldn’t understand why Dot was so incredibly worthless. Here she was the defender of virtue, but always just missing the mark. But, as I hearkened back to my favorite space saga, I realized that Dot was actually a brilliant spoof on her dopey predecessor: C3PO. Just like a man to steal all the limelight, Am-I-right? One of the many things that makes Dot so lovable is that she was voiced by Joan Rivers. Rivers does an excellent job of bringing some much needed witty banter to the otherwise clunky character. Fun fact, the shell of Dot’s costume was inhabited by Lorene Yarnell, one part of the largely-forgotten mime duo of Shields and Yarnell. The two had a variety show in the 70’s that featured a recurring skit called the Clinkers (a robot couple). Additionally, Rivers went on to voice Dot for the Saturday Morning Cartoon version of the show. All in all, she makes the list for putting up with so much shit, schwartzs, and schlongs. May the schwartz be with you Dot!
LISA (Weird Science)
Human Threat Level: 3
Mission: Party hard. Party often. Give a boner to teenage boys everywhere.
Tech-Specs: Brains. Brawn. Magic. This model has everything you could ever wish for. There is nothing Lisa cannot do, from convincing other humans that you are cooler than you seem (or older for that matter), or simply snapping her fingers and your house is magically clean, you can safely assume you’re in good hands with Lisa (soft hands, yes, very soft hands).
Further Fembot Analysis: Man, Lisa is awesome. The reason why she’s so great isn’t because of her amazing physical appearance (though some of you might beg to differ), alas her real value is in helping others see the value in themselves. That’s right people – it’s a good old fashioned heartwarming story when it comes to Lisa and why she’s on the list. At the inception of Weird Science we meet Gary and Wyatt who are two lonely dudes looking for acceptance from the female variety. Much to their dismay, they’re still too awkward to really have any game. So what do they do? They build (what they think) is the most perfect A.I. imaginable. And they are not too far off! But alas, what’s great about Lisa is that we’re led to believe she is going to be nothing but a hot piece of ass, doomed to adhere to the whims of slimy teenagers. But what we get is a self-aware bad ass that teaches the boys that they don’t need to find external validation from others. Additionally she teaches Gary and Wyatt that if they loosen up, and love themselves, that eventually love will come along for them. I mean, it’s a win-win. Furthermore, Lisa’s carefree attitude is electric and inspiring. Who hasn’t wanted to just throw caution into the wind and do whatever comes to mind for a day or two. I know I have. Lisa reminds us that people & experiences are worth more than nuts and bolts.
F.R.I.D.A.Y. (Avengers: Age of Ultron)
Human Threat Level: 4
Mission: Natural-language user interface designed to assist Tony Stark in all technology endeavors.
Tech-Specs: F.R.I.D.A.Y. is a multi-functional software program capable of managing the local and external environments of Tony Stark’s creations. She employs a highly advanced user interface with holographic peripherals and voice input, and communicates data back to its user via speech audio, holographic displays and conventional LCD monitors. She is fully capable of controlling Iron Man suits as well as assisting Tony in operation of controlling whole vehicles. She is capable of monitoring the entire internet, able to easily hack into government databases, partially override the Raft’s security systems and analyze fighting styles for weaknesses to exploit.
Further Fembot Analysis: F.R.I.D.A.Y. is Irish! What’s not to love about the Irish!? Some of you might poo-poo the fact that I put an A.I. on this list, but you know what… she counts. If J.A.R.V.I.S. can transform into a fully functioning physical robot, then you know F.R.I.D.A.Y. can too. It’s only a matter of time. What makes F.R.I.D.A.Y. so awesome, is her ability to be matter of fact. She speaks only when she has something of value to say, and I love how her personality is a ‘stark’ contrast to the Stark who created her. She’s almost defiant in a way that is non-lethal, and I think it’s hilarious. Her lack of emotions over other Avengers makes her unique to how J.A.R.V.I.S. interacted without hesitation. She’s direct. She’s intelligent. And apparently, she gives so F**Ks. She can be my boss bitch any day.
Delores Abernathy (Westworld)
Human Threat Level: 5
Mission: To entertain and invoke tenderness within the guests of Westworld.
Tech-Specs: Delores is categorized as a host, is mostly made of living tissue like flesh and blood that can rot over time. Most hosts body types are constructed using 3D printing technology. Advanced CPU story-lines and narratives are implanted into the house to help create dialog with unsuspecting guests, and the lifelike quality and realism they bestow are said to be non-lethal. As the oldest host in Westworld, built by Arnold Weber; Delores has been updated numerous times over the years, and was created with a kind simple demeanor. Her ability to draw upon your emotional intelligence is above reproach.
Further Fembot Analysis: Delores is interesting. If you haven’t watched the series on HBO, then maybe you skip my analysis. This is your spoiler warning. Got it? Okay…. So yeah, Delores is quite possibly the best representation of an android gaining sentient consciousness. I love that at first glance Delores looks like the helpless damsel in distress, as per typical wild west fashion. But as we get to know Delores, we see glimmers of strength and fortitude that is beyond the likes of any other android in the Westworld Park… or human guest. There is a brilliance and tenacity we see behind her implanted eyes. I may have only ranked her human threat level at a 5, but I believe that Delores may be the most dangerous and cunning of them all if left to her own devices. Her ability to cognitively reason, reprogram, and choose for herself has become increasingly more provocative. And ultimately… I think we all should be very afraid of Delores’ power to manipulate all mankind. What’s the old saying… “sometimes the sweetest of honey can lead to the most terrible sting”… or something like that. Yeah… Delores. She’s a badass. Beware.
AVA (Ex Machina)
Human Threat Level: 6
Mission: To play companion to Nathan Bateman (real mission: To escape into the world).
Tech-Specs: AVA is a humanoid robot with artificial intelligence tested and passed through the Turing test. Made up of a mix of synthetic skin-like material, and flexible metal mesh – her ability to process (and manipulate) human emotion is far more advanced than any other android we’ve seen thus far. What sets Ava apart from any other android is her personal preservation and level of deception, which is not initially forthright when interacting with her schematics for the first time.
Further Fembot Analysis: AVA embodies our most basic human motivation: survival. When you couple her intelligence (basic and emotional), with her wit and ability to deceive, she is a force to be reckoned with. At the core, I believe that AVA is not truly a threat to humanity, but when placed in a compromising situation where she has to chose between her own survival, or the lives of those around her – I believe she will choose herself every time. Self-preservation is above all the most important in Ava’s programming. But, because he level of emotional evolution is beyond anything we’ve seen from, say, T-X..or AIDA, I believe she would like to co-exist with the greater world, rather than dominate it. What make’s her so wonderfully human is her ability to play any card to manipulate her aggressor without force. So, even though she could crush you in her hands, she would rather demolish you using the best weapon possible: yourself. You could know and AVA right now, and you’d never know. That’s what makes her a bad ass – full time stealth mode, engage!
MAJOR/MOTOKO (Ghost In The Shell)
Human Threat Level: 7
Mission: To serve and protect as the field commander for Section 9.
Tech-Specs: Mostly machine, Major is constructed of a technological “organic-synthetic” that allows her human mind to interact with machines and networks. Major possess one of the most advanced body models on the market; her sight, reflexes, and processing power make her one of the most deadly models as well. Major is equipped to perform numerous superhuman feats, such as superhuman strength, leaping between skyscrapers, advanced acrobatics, and shooting down a bullet after fired at mid-range. Additionally, she can effectively hack any computer interface imaginable.
Further Fembot Analysis: Originally I wasn’t going to add Major to the list, but like so many others movie-goers in the early weeks of April, I went to see the Scarlett Johannson version. Immediately I was hooked. Might I state here and now, that I would like to give Ghost in the Shell a proper chance by reading the manga and watching the anime. Time will tell my true feelings and worth around Major. But from what I have seen, albeit through much box office controversy, I love the character. And I think most of it comes from her humanity (I know, I know…this is supposed to be about robots, but bear with me). I love that there is a sense of duty, and a disconnect from emotional attachment, but you can tell this is not what she really wants. And her strive to find something of meaning, something that is deep and true in her world, is what sets her apart from others, even her counterparts in the story. Major’s ability to choose is her most powerful weapon, and I am enthralled with the decision making process she uses to separate the world she wants, from the world she was given. Major, if you’re out there, I implore your consent to continue your story.
Human Threat Level: 8
Mission: To test your competency through a series of tests that get increasingly harder and more annoying.
Tech-Specs: (Genetic Life-form and Disk Operating System) is the central core designed to control, guide, and oversee the Aperture Science computer-aided Enrichment Center. With the ability to shift and move facilities and various chambers, GLaDOS is able to achieve a seamless and almost infinite testing design whilst residing in the Central AI Chamber.
Further Fembot Analysis: GLADOS is a fembot I love to hate. It’s a strong love though, because her ability to lead you through her fun-house of horrors is more humorous than evil. Don’t get me wrong, her sole purpose is to lead you straight to your death, but it’s just so incredibly hilarious and enjoyable, that you are overcome with a feeling of connection to her evil ways. I would rank GLADOS as a human threat level: 10, except there are times (hey there hot potato) that GLADOS actually is pretty non-threatening, and down-right delightful. Additionally, in Potato form, there is a sense of duty to help you survive (even if it comes from a place of self preservation), but alas she is helpful. GLADOS is the type of personality you get when you’ve had too many days alone in a dark chamber with nothing but cake on your mind. Listen, a good cake will drive you crazy! I get it! Spoken in her own words: “This is your fault. It didn’t have to be like this. I’m not kidding, now! Turn back, or I WILL kill you! I’m going to kill you, and all the cake is gone! You don’t even care, do you? This is your last chance!” … yep, grade-A level crazy. That’s my kind of bad ass.
AIDA (Marvel’s Agents of Shield)
Human Threat Level: 9
Mission: To aide as the assistant to Holden Radcliffe in the pursuit of science & technology advancements.
Tech-Specs: Categorized as a Life-Model Decoy (LMD), Aida is made entirely of synthetic materials. Her advancements in strength, memory, and processing power are endless and always adapting. Need a quick weld? No problem. Need someone to punch through a wall for you? Easy-peasy. Aida is truly one of a kind, and as long as you do not introduce the model to the infamous “Darkhold” then you can safely control all functionality of Aida’s systems.
Further Fembot Analysis: Oh man… Aida, Aida, Aida. What has the Darkhold done to your helpful and impressive nature? If only we could go back to a time when your advanced sentient processing didn’t know or understand the world we live in. If only the upgrade to your system hadn’t completely changed that way you interacted with humans, and how you perceive the future of your own existence. If only we could go back to a time when technology and magic didn’t intermix and cause the near destruction of the world. If only. Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong, capable female droid just as much as I love coffee in the morning, but what I don’t want is that
coffee droid to kill me. And I think Aida could possibly be one of the most intelligent builds we’ve seen in our lifetime, but unfortunately, her programming was mixed with an unknown force – and HAVEN’T WE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM TONY STARK!? You don’t go mixing alien magic with earth technology… it just doesn’t work. I’m looking at you Ultron. But, you cannot deny her shear power, intelligence, and grit. And for that – she makes it on the bad ass list.
T-X (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
Human Threat Level: 10
Mission: Terminate humans but also rogue Terminators reprogrammed by the Resistance.
Tech-Specs: T-X is a composite of the T-800 and T-1000, a solid endoskeleton covered with a liquid metal “mimetic polyalloy”, allowing it to take the shape of any humanoid it touches. Because it is only coated in this material, it is possible to remove it from the endoskeleton using immensely strong magnetic force. Additionally, the T-X model has nanotechnology that is capable of scanning the molecular structure of anything it touches, and coupled with her built-in supply of more advanced nanobots in her fingers, she can inject them into other machines, giving it remote control. An onboard plasma reactor powers all of the T-X’s systems.
Further Fembot Analysis: T-X is a baaaaaaad mamma-jamma. This is one robot you DO NOT want to piss off. Actually, it would be best if you were not human, just play it safe. Not only is she tricked out with all the latest and “future” technology/gear you could ever dream of, but she’s also strong as Superman (see Terminatrix in Superman vs The Terminator: Death to the Future). That being said, her vendetta against the human race is quite powerful, and though her two main points of interest: Sarah & John Connor escape her wrath, T-X ensures the rise of Skynet. What’s quite frightening, yet also extremely awesome about T-X, is her chosen and standard appearance as earthly female. Because, if you’re going to be the best and brightest, then your outward appearance should match, n’est-ce pas? Imagine if we all females had the capabilities of T-X? Then there would be no more casual cat calls for fear that we could (and would) literally blast your face off. I was going to make a joke about blowing someone to pieces, but I’ll let all the mouth breathers out there take their official role of douchery and have at it. T-X, you truly are one scary bad ass!