Simpsons Did It!: “The Bart Of War”

Of course Ned Flanders is a Beatles fan.  They were once bigger than Jesus.

Bart and Milhouse are sitting around trying to enjoy South Park, still fresh after 43 episodes, when Marge decides that’s no good for kids and scares them off with some religious programming.  Bored, the two tie a thread around a fly and then follow the fly into the Flanders house while Ned and the boys are out.  Seeing the opportunity to get up to no good, Bart and Milhouse proceed to get up to no good and accidentally discover the secret room where Ned keeps a lot of Beatles memorabilia.  After consuming some 40 year old novelty sodas, the boys go really nuts.

That would be when the Flanders family gets home and sees everything is slightly askew and run off to hide in the panic room.  When the cops show up, Chief Wiggum finds the boys and calls their parents.  Ned believes they need adult supervision.

That leads Bart to the Pre-Teen Braves, a group that Apu accurately points out is swiping an indigenous culture for its own purposes.  Homer makes a poor chief for the tribe consisting of Bart, Nelson, Ralph Wiggum, and Database, so Marge takes over and actually has them doing cool stuff when Nelson isn’t convinced every tree is really his father come home at last.  A field trip with someone who points out the advantages of claiming to be the last of the Mohicans shows the kids a heavily littered and polluted forest, so Marge and the boys decide to clean it up.

That’s where the problems erupt.  See, they get back to the forest to find it’s already been cleaned by another youth group, the Cavalry Kids.  The squad in question is led by Kirk VanHouten and the membership includes Milhouse, Jimbo, Martin, and some other kid.  That leads to war…of good deeds as both groups try to outdo each other.

Marge is no good at war.  When a contest to see who can be honorary batboys for the Springfield Isotopes comes along, as announced by Drederick Tatum, all Bart and co. have to do is sell more candy than the Calvary Kids.  What can they do?  Well, switch Homer back in, as he would make a great war leader as he lacks the concept of mercy.  And Homer’s plan is almost brilliant, by dumping laxatives into the Cavalry Kids’ candy.

Too bad the senior citizens like being regular.  They buy that laxative chocolate by the ton.  The Cavalry Kids win the contest.

Next up would be having the Pre-Teen Braves somehow replace the Cavalry Kids by first switching out a sign for free VIP parking to fool Kirk, then have Bart and the other Braves go out impersonating the Cavalry Kids and mangle the national anthem.  But then the real kids show up.  Bart attacks Milhouse.  Homer attacks Kirk.  Luanne’s new boyfriend leaps to Kirk’s defense for some reason.  Soon, the whole stadium is fighting, with Lenny going after Carl, Patty punching Selma, and poor Moe about to be pummeled by Tatum.  Marge finds herself crying since she never intended this to become a donnybrook, and no one wants to see Marge cry.  The fight stops and everyone joins together in song.  Not our national anthem.  It’s came out of a war. No, they want a peaceful one, so they sing Canada’s.  That calms everyone down as they stand in a maple leaf formation.

Somewhere, Jimmy Impossible is either touched or outraged.  The world will never know unless he tells us.

tomk74

Defender of the faith, contributing writer, debonair man-about-town.

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