Simpsons Did It!: “Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy”

Hold on…have I been misspelling “Grampa” all this time?

Homer and Marge have been together for eleven years.  Or longer when you consider they met in high school, Homer is 38, Marge is probably the same age, and Bart is 10.  There’s a whole lost decade in there, and it’s probably better that they never filled it in, but if I am somehow still doing this feature when that episode comes along, I’ll let ya know.

Point is, Homer would rather watch a mediocre Troy McClure movie than snuggle with Marge, then there was the enchiladas, and then there was Bart claiming to see a UFO.  Homer and Marge are in a sexual rut and they need something.

You know what isn’t helpful for this sort of thing?  Paul Harvey.

You know what surprisingly is?  Grampa.  His ancestors once invented an actual aphrodisiac while trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.  That sounds rather Simpsonish all told.  But despite the admonition that Homer think of his elderly father while having the best sex of his life…actually, I need to shudder hard after writing that sentence.

The tonic works well enough that Marge suggests Homer and Grampa bottle the stuff and sell it to folks all over the county.  It works on such diverse people as Professor Frink, Dr. Hibbert, and Milhouse’s parents.  I think I need to shudder again.

It helps that Grampa is a natural salesman, as long as he remembers Homer’s face is on the bottle as the “son” in “Simpson and Son”.  If he doesn’t, pulling not-so-random people out of the audience doesn’t work, and it may cause the pair to be run out of town if Grampa tries to play getaway music.

All the older folks enjoying “early bedtimes” means the children of Springfield are wondering why.  Bart’s new interests in conspiracy theories and UFOs cause him to believe in, you know, that.  So does every other kid in town who isn’t Lisa.  Lisa’s own sarcastic suggestions are then taken seriously.  She didn’t mean “reverse vampires,” Milhouse!  The only government monitoring comes from the folks tracking who buys then-Vice President Al Gore’s latest book.  That’d be Lisa and only Lisa.

Homer and Grampa’s sales trips actually take them to the farm house Homer spent some of his youth in.  Abe was a farmer?  A dairy farmer even?  Who knew?  It is there that the two fall out when Homer realizes he’s never gotten a word of encouragement from his father…oh, and he was an accident due to that tonic.  It may be cute when Homer says it to Bart all the time, but not so much when Abe says it to Homer.  Or, at least, that’s what Homer says.  He doesn’t know what hypocrisy is apparently.

Homer tries to make up for it with some whole-assed over-parenting of his own kids.  Bart and Lisa believe it to be half-assed all the same.

Feeling down, Homer and Grampa separately return to the farmhouse, set it on fire, and then apologize.  Grampa is at least proud Homer isn’t short.

It’s a start.


Defender of the faith, contributing writer, debonair man-about-town.

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