Jimmy, How Come Each Year You've Seen More Razzie Than Oscar Winners?

I like dinosaurs, robots and stuff blowing up and I still hated this movie.
I like dinosaurs, robots and stuff blowing up and I still hated this movie.

The easy answer is, when I’m in line at the movie rental store, I’m much more likely to pick up something geeky or a stupid comedy than some heart wrenching drama. One of those three usually gets accolades. The other 4/5ths (#jennymath) usually do not. And to celebrate the worst of movies that Jimmy likely saw, they invented the Razzies. Given out 24 hours before Neil Patrick Harris shocked the world and brought Gabbing Geek to its knees by mentioning Clue in the opening musical number, here are your 2015 Razzie winners…

Worst Picture: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Worsting (Editor’s note: “Jimmy, that’s not a word.”) out Left Behind (itself a remake of a Kirk Cameron movie), The Legend of Hercules, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (this is the only one I’ve seen…almost three hours Michael Bay? Seriously? WTF?)

Worst Actor: Kirk Cameron (Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas)

And the nominees were: Nicolas Cage starring as Kirk Cameron (Left Behind), Kellan Lutz (The Legend of Hercules), Seth MacFarlane (A Million Ways To Die in the West, this is the only one I saw. MacFarlane was ok, but he was just MacFarlane being MacFarlane. I guess his schtick works better as a CGI bear.), Adam Sandler (Blended)

Worst Actress: Cameron Diaz (The Other Woman and Sex Tape, sadly I saw both of these. Woman wasn’t bad (Ms. Impossible thought it was hilarious) but Sex Tape was easily one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time. You’d be much better off watching an actual sex tape from somewhere like www.tubev.sex or another adult film website.)

The other nominees were: Drew Barrymore (Blended), Melissa McCarthy (Tammy), Charlize Theron (A Million Ways to Die in the West, I dunno, if there was anything worth watching in this movie, it was Theron), Gaia Weiss (The Legend of Hercules)

Worst Supporting Actress: Megan Fox (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

The other distinguished performances were: Cameron Diaz (Annie, they really got their hate on this year), Nicola Peltz (Transformers 4: Age of Extinction), Susan Sarandon (Tammy), Brigitte Ridenour (nee Cameron) (Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas)

Worst Supporting Actor: Kelsey Grammer (Expendables 3, Legends of Oz, Think Like a Man Too and Transformers 4: Age of Extinction, aka the male Cameron Diaz)

Other actors not Michael Keaton Eddie Redmayne: Mel Gibson (Expendables 3), Shaquille O’Neal (Blended), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Expendables 3, so basically the entire cast of Expendables 3), Kiefer Sutherland (Pompeii)

Worst Director: Michael Bay (Transformers 4: Age of Extinction)

Nominees: Darren Doane (Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas), Renny Harlin (The Legend of Hercules), Jonathan Liebesman (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Seth MacFarlane (A Million Ways To Die in the West)

Worst Screen Combo: Kirk Cameron & His Ego (Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas)

Other quirky screen combos you probably wouldn’t have though of: Any Two Robots, Actors (or Robotic Actors) (Transformers 4: Age of Extinction), Cameron Diaz & Jason Segel (Sex Tape), Kellan Lutz & Either His Abs, His Pecs or His Glutes (The Legend of Hercules), Seth McFarlane & Charlize Theron (A Million Ways To Die in the West)

Worst Screenplay: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas Written by Darren Doane and Cheston Hervey

Other horrible writers that still made a lot more money than me last year: Left Behind Screenplay by Paul LaLonde and John Patus, Based on the Novel by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Sex Tape Screenplay by Kate Angelo and Jason Segel & Nicholas Stoller, Transformers 4: Age of Extinction Written by Ehren Kruger, Based on Hasbro’s Transformers Action Figures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Written by Evan Daugherty and Andre Nemec & Josh Applebaum, Based on Characters Created by Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman

Worst Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel: Annie

Probably the hardest category to nail down as it seems everything in Hollywood these days is (according to Jack Black) market trends and fickle friends and Hollywood baloney. This industry’s influx; it’s run by mucky-mucks, pitching tents for tentpoles and chasing Chinese bucks. Opening with lots of zeroes, all we get is superheroes. Superman, Spider Man, Batman, Jedi man, sequel man, prequel man. Formulaic scripts and after 50 Shade of Grey, they’ll all have leather whips: Atlas Shrugged #3: Who Is John Galt?, The Legend of Hercules, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers 4: Age of Extinction.

And lastly the Redeemer Award went to Ben Affleck who went from “RAZZIE ‘Winner’ for Gigli to Oscar darling for Argo and Gone Girl. “Oscar darling?The Academy loves to screw with Batfleck, going so far as to give him the honor of presenting the Best Director award last night.

Others up for redemption in this publicaly voted category: Jennifer Aniston From 4-time RAZZIE nominee to SAG award nominee for Cake, Mike Myers From RAZZIE “Winner” for Love Guru to Docu Director of Supermensch, Keanu Reeves From 6-time RAZZIE nominee to the critically acclaimed John Wick, Kristen Stewart From 6-time RAZZIE “Winner” for Twilight to the art house hit Camp X-Ray.

As an aside, do NOT go to the official razzies.com site. It is (intentionally?) the worst site ever. You’re welcome.

 

2 thoughts on “Jimmy, How Come Each Year You've Seen More Razzie Than Oscar Winners?

  1. A review I read for “Saving Christmas” said most of the movie was Kirk Cameron sitting in a car with an actor playing his brother-in-law (actually the movie’s director) explaining how EVERYTHING about Christmas is to honor Jesus, including blatantly secular things like the commercialism and ham. Yes. Ham.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: